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Jan. 14, 2014

News you can lose

by Ross Cohen-Kristiansen, Managing Editor
This is not original reporting. All information has been compiled from King5.com, Fox Carolina and UPI. Silver Chips Online posts these news summaries with the writer's reaction to provide readers with a forum for discussion.

News you can loose: A threatening sock monkey, a shoplifting dog, a news anchor's ill-advised comments and a terrible criminal. Grace Wilson
News you can loose: A threatening sock monkey, a shoplifting dog, a news anchor's ill-advised comments and a terrible criminal.
We don't often read or watch the news and smile (thanks Congress!). The goal with this article is to change that. I'm here to report the funny going-ons in the world, one of which is news reporting itself. That's a smooth transition into our first "newsworthy" story.

Watch out for a monkey's gun
You can't get anything by the TSA, not even toys. Just ask Phyllis May, who was stopped at a checkpoint in the Lambert-St. Louis International Airport because her pet sock monkey held a toy gun. She recounted her (comical) experience. "[The TSA agent] said 'this is a gun.' I said 'no, it's not a gun, it's a prop for my monkey,'" May said. "She took my monkey's gun." Some might call it an overreaction; others might say it was a smart precautionary measure. Either way, any fair human being can only hope that this poor woman reunites with her dear "Rooster Monkburn."

Store's bones go to the dog
It was a typical Wednesday morning in South Carolina for Cato, a gray and white husky. That is, until his owner let him off the leash. He darted off toward the Dollar General store, snuck through the sliding doors and immediately knew where he was headed: the dog section. He stayed approximately three minutes before making his great escape with some dog treats. He took the goods to a nearby carwash and placed them inside a hole he dug up before returning for a second trip. And once again, he made it out unscathed and deposited more treats into his hole now filled with pig ears, beef bones, dog food and much more. He decided not to test his luck again.

Unfortunately for Cato, the Dollar General store had security cameras running. Luckily, though, the store decided not to press charges.

Santa Claus is white?
You probably all know now that Santa Claus has been given an official race by Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly. She made these well-received comments in response to an article titled Santa Claus Should Not Be a White Man Anymore. Here's the video in case you haven't seen it:


If I didn't show Jon Stewart's response, I would be doing you a disservice.


Alright, that's enough Megyn Kelly.

Maybe he should have skipped his court case...
Imagine a store manager accuses you of shoplifting and you know you're guilty. Then while pleading your "innocence," you blatantly grab a handful of cash out of the tip jar. Now you're guilty on two accounts.

The concept is similar to a stunt pulled by Michael Heller, 21, of Redding, Calif. Only he may be even dimmer. Having been accused of stealing a car, Heller had a court case to attend. Without the stolen car to get him there, though, he needed another form of transportation. Easy, steal another vehicle! Yes, to get to his court case, where he wanted to prove his innocence, Heller stole a truck. Maybe a questionable decision, but I guess what's important is that he made it to his court hearing on time.

And there's the recent news you can lose. If you would like to be featured in a future edition, talk to Michael Heller.





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  • Robby (View Email) on January 21, 2014 at 5:12 PM
    This was a refreshing taste of news that doesn't make us throw a fit, start a political debate, or question other people's decision making ability. I found it funny and the Megyn Kelly video just made me laugh. She later went on to say that you can't change facts to make them fit a political agenda. You're right, Megyn Kelly, you can't change the facts about a fictional character. If any of you saw Jon Stewart's full reaction to it, you would then see how ludicrous her statements were. And I'm pretty sure that Jesus wasn't white......because currently, Americans think that anyone that looks remotely like he did is a terrorist. The other stories in this article just made me chuckle. Well done. Thank you for giving me breath of fresh air.
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