All facts, figures and names have been fabricated.
Customer pleased about five-minute sandwich wait
SILVER SPRING, MD -- Potbelly customer Tom Carol, 46, was pleasantly surprised with a five-minute wait for his "wreck with everything" at the Silver Spring sandwich joint, Carol reported today.
Carol's time in line was two minutes less than what is promised on the entrance sign, which reads "In line here? Seven minutes 'til you get your sandwich!"
Carol said the wreck was as satisfactory as always, even with the apparent preparation time cut. "They didn't even forget the hot peppers," he exclaimed through a mouthful of roast beef.
Sandwich-preparer Kurt Lawson was mystified by Carol's excitement. "I mean, the sign is basically just an estimate," he said. "It happens sometimes."
Biology teacher finds Punnett squares boring
ROOM 356 –- Biology teacher Richard Loft has become increasingly bored with Punnett squares, he told his class last block.
"They just don't excite me like they used to," he said. "No one cares about recessive genes anyway."
Loft's students are perplexed by the lack of energy in the classroom this unit. "He used to be the most exciting teacher I had," said Junior Alex Graham. "Then Punnett squares came along and it's like someone died."
Loft attributed his lack of interest to the abundance of dominant genes in his life. "I don't have a cleft chin. My earlobes hang. I have a widow's peak. I'm just not an interesting specimen."
APES teacher puts recyclable paper in trashcan
ROOM 332 -- AP Environmental Teacher Linda Roddick was discovered to have tossed volumes of recyclable paper into the trash bin, students reported yesterday.
Many were aghast at the lack of environmental concern in the classroom. "She just took this huge stack of papers and threw it in the gray trashcan," said Senior Stacey Drew. "The blue bin was right in front of her."
Roddick was puzzled by her class's accusations. "It was an honest mistake," she said. "I fished out all the paper after they threatened to stop watering the courtyard plants."
Still, many students now look at Roddick differently. "I can't even look her in the face," said Senior Josh Wilhelm. "It's like I don't even know her anymore. It's like I don't know anyone anymore."
Eve Gleichman. Eve Gleichman didn't do it. More »