Eight resolutions to close out '08

Jan. 8, 2009, midnight | By David Tao | 13 years, 4 months ago

This year, some resolutions you can keep

Ah, 2009. Right now, it's a clean slate. We here at Silver Chips Online believe that the mistakes of the past year were forgiven when the ball dropped in Times Square on Dec. 31. Forget your past inadequacies. A new year calls for new failings, new insecurities and new missed opportunities.

Still, the mistakes and regrets of the past are a perfect springboard to personal betterment - hence the time-honored tradition of New Year's resolutions. Usher in 2009 by taking all the undesirable, unpleasant and borderline-impossible tasks that you "forgot" to accomplish and firmly resolve to make this year different. This year, you'll shed those extra 10 pounds, cut unnecessary splurging and go that extra mile to achieve success!

Yeah, sure. Tossing that list of resolutions in the trash can is another annual tradition. But thanks to SCO, this year's going to be different. With our Resolutions Of Freedom and Love (R.O.F.L.), you'll finally be able to set realistic goals for yourself! And so, without further ado:

1. Stay well-informed.

No, we're not talking about supermarket tabloids and celebrity gossip rags here. It's a cold world out there with more car bombs in Baghdad than pictures of Brangelina babies. Pad your brain between "Did you know?" factoids.

Need a place to start? You've come to the right place. As upstanding student reporters, it's our job to keep you appraised about current events at all times. Speaking of which, why not click here and get started? Better yet, bookmark the link and read on.

2. Be nicer to your teachers.

Maybe you feel that they don't deserve this. Maybe you have a huge load of math homework due Monday, or maybe your English teacher messed up a grade and won't correct it. Still, teachers at Blair give you an educational edge that's hard to find anywhere else in the nation, putting up with our lack of attention and our general disobedience to bring you quality education. In fact, our teachers love us so much that they've agreed to forego their annual cost-of-living increases so we don't have to have bigger classes. (Or is it that they didn't have much of a choice and more students per classroom usually leads to coordinated pranks?) In any case, teachers are performing a valuable service. Let's show some gratitude.

3. Get more sleep.

High school tries its hardest to make sleep a luxury. There's always so many more important things to do: homework, extracurricular activities to pile on, a busy social life to maintain. Not to mention Facebook chat. But hey, sleep is a necessity. If you don't get enough sleep, you'll lose your ability to concentrate, your pristine GPA and your doubtlessly well-cultivated social skills. Your friends, who've left you after your last temper tantrum, will be replaced by headaches, a caffeine addiction and permanent brain damage leading to death. Want one thing that definitely isn't worth dying for? School. So get more sleep and stave off the inevitable.

4. Combat senioritis

SEEEEENIOOOORRRSSS!!! Remember 60 SSL hours are needed for graduation. Also, official transcripts must be requested three days in advance and by the way, classes are still important after first semester!

We here at SCO subscribe to the policy that we're not at school for grades. We're here because we all have deep-rooted passions for learning. Grades should only be a byproduct of our passionate quests to acquire additional understanding about the courses we're enrolled in.

Yup, that entire paragraph was 45 words of suck-up held together by bull...manure, just like our second resolution, but I digress. While these opinions get us beaten up for our lunch money and stuffed into lockers however, keep in mind that colleges do still look at second semester transcripts. You may be able to get into Harvard, but rest assured, if your second semester grades dip too low (4.2 unweighted!), you'll get kicked through those pretentious metal gates on your behind.

5. Stop saying "No homo"

"No homo" is a phrase used, according to our friends at urbandictionary.com, "after one inadvertently says something that sounds gay." Soon after its creation by the Dipset rap crew, the phrase caught fire and quickly made its rounds, spreading from Dipset to Lil' Wayne to confused American youth having their first encounters with our friend, the puberty fairy. Your typical American teenager had already harbored deep-seated fears of looking and acting "gay." Now we're scared of sounding "gay."

Beyond the obvious homophobia behind the statement, issuing it exposes your obvious insecurity in your current sexual identity. Also, it shows that you've got the maturity of a toddler.

So please, dump "no homo" this year. It's bigoted and juvenile. Besides, Dipset invented the term, like, five years ago. Give it a rest.

6. Resist addictions

No, we're not talking about the illegal narcotic variety. If you have one of those, do like Amy Winehouse and check into rehab (say hi to Rihanna while you're there!). The rest of us have legal vices like coffee, sneakers, sugar and Facebook and sadly, there's no rehab for these substances. Here's the good news: if you've fulfilled our third resolution, you don't need the energy boost provided by caffeine or sugar. You've got clean, natural sleep powering your every move. Like the taste of coffee? Drink decaf. Hooked on sweetness? There's always Splenda. Love the digital goodness of social networking? Er....well, nobody said we'd have answers to everything!

7. Try something new

New experiences should always accompany a new year. Order something different for lunch. Talk to people you normally wouldn't talk to. Go outside your comfort zone a little bit every day. Do something fresh, memorable or downright crazy. After all, you can't finish the entire SCO bucket list in one day.

8. Don't procrastinate
Here's a message for the two people still reading this (hi mom!): start R.O.F.L.-ing immediately. Don't wait, do it now or they'll never get finished. Take this article, for instance. Without procrastination, R.O.F.L. would be "Nine Resolutions for '09."

David Tao. is, until he isn't. More »

Show comments


No comments.

Please ensure that all comments are mature and responsible; they will go through moderation.