FAKE NEWS: MCPS to adopt Half-Way Policy

The following should be taken largely as a joke. As a part of the humor section, this article is meant to amuse. To get the real story about the new grading proposal, go here. And if you're really interested in this kind of stuff, go here.

In a stroke of brilliance last Saturday morning, Superintendent Jerry D. Weast drafted and implemented, by executive order, new student grading and staff payroll policies. These changes will go into effect at the end of the 2003-2004 school year.

The new grading policy, which establishes that students may receive no less than 50 percent on schoolwork that is late or never turned in, is officially referred to as the Half-Way There to No Child Left Behind Policy . Secretary of Education Ronald Paige issued a press release directly after Weast's presentation, extolling the idea. "This patriotic piece of policy is sure to rattle those terrorists at the National Education Association," he wrote.

The National Education Association (NEA) was rattled and ready to organize protests immediately following the release, but withdrew their grievances once Weast unveiled his new plan for teachers' salaries.

Using the same line of reasoning he did for the new grading policy, Weast mandated that teachers may receive no less than 50 percent of their salaries, regardless of their class attendance. He maintained that as long as teachers drive half-way to the school building "some days" and come to teach half of their classes on "other days," that they should be paid at least half of their salary. When criticized by a group of reporters for his lack of specificity, Weast immediately ordered their removal from the press conference.

Students and teachers from around the county have praised the idea in record breaking numbers, calling it "something that everyone can agree on." So far, the largest gathering in praise of Weast's policy was a skipping party in downtown Silver Spring, where both teachers and students, crowded into a local bar and filled up on cupcakes and "ginger ale." Also in attendance was Walt Whitman High School's principal Dikembe Mutombo, who gave a speech of gratitude on behalf of his school. "We at Whiteman are in great appreciation of Mr. Weast's godlike understanding of our situation. I have no doubt that this new policy will eliminate our 2.4 percent fail rate while also cutting costs enormously," he said.

This latest policy comes after another, less outrageous grading proposal, which was struck down at the beginning of the 2003-2004 school year. That failed plan dealt exclusively with changes in the homework policy, changes which are still sought for by the superintendent. His refusal to compromise has proven to be ultimately worthwhile, now that his proposal is crazy enough to appeal to everyone.