FAKE NEWS: School to shut down at 3:00

March 29, 2004, midnight | By Vivek Chellappa | 16 years, 10 months ago

FBI agents to be on hand to escort

Chips Disclaimer: This story is intended purely for humor purposes.

In an expected move, the Blair administration announced that any "trespassers" found in school after 3:00 p.m. would be considered threats to national security and deported to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where they would be detained for questioning.

"We must protect the students," an administration official was quoted as saying. "And if that means we arrest everyone who continues to remain in school after the designated time, we will do it."

The move was met with resistance from a large percentage of students and faculty, many of whom questioned the rationale for this new rule.

"Before this rule, I used to stay in school and study with my friends. But now, I'm not able to do this. Who will help me with calculus?" one student wondered.

A teacher who wished to remain anonymous mentioned that class is very difficult to conduct with students constantly being whisked to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, for staying after class to ask questions.

"It's been very frustrating," the teacher said. "I have kids that start tests, but can't finish because they have been arrested. It makes teaching them very difficult."

The implementation has lead to several near escapes for some students. Junior Jack Straw described his close encounter:

"I was trying to meet a teacher when I realized that it was 3:02. As I turned the hallway, I saw two suits heading my way. I turned and sprinted in the other direction, just making it outside the door. All I wanted to do was ask for some math help," he concluded as tears filled his eyes.

Bush administration officials, rumored to have thought of this plan, were unavailable for comment. It is rumored that they are searching desperately for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

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Vivek Chellappa. As Vivek beings his final year in Blair, several new hobbies draw his attention: his passion for standup comedy and making lists with only one real piece of information. Vivek has recently developed a strong liking for the works of Mitch Hedberg, Dave Chapelle and … More »

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