Fall TV: Pretty Vacant

Crossing Jordan, Undeclared, Inside Schwartz, Alias

Crossing Jordan, Mondays at 10:00, NBC
***

Crossing Jordan? A likely title, I suppose, for such a wacky series thought up by the geniuses at NBC who, by the way, is rumored to have the weakest premieres of all major networks, according to critics. It seems far too stylish and comedy-inflected to be taken seriously.

Medical examiner Dr. Jordan Kavanov is played with something like panache by Jill Henessy. She is startlingly attractive, very confrontational. There's no end to her sass. She talks back to bureaucrats, do-nothing police, her boss, her father, anyone who stands in her way. Her goal is to find the truth, no matter who she affronts in the process.

The series is a cross between a mystery and NBC's Providence. Jordan is surrounded by goofball characters, all of which show promise; there's her colleague, who she is attracted to, but oops, he won't date white women. There's another coworker named "Bug.” To be nicknamed bug, you have to be one irreverent fella, and this guy doesn't disappoint. The characters are given a lot of room to develop.

By the way, the series takes place in Boston, and the producer must have booked the same office that the Ally McBeal characters do. There are so many newly furnished offices and so much jazzy music you almost forget you're watching a show about crime.

Undeclared, Tuesdays at 8:30 on Fox
****

Yes, college is a magical time of self-discovery and getting blitzed. Life immediately after high school is the most fun you'll ever have in your life, Undeclared seems to say; as long as your dad leaves after he drops you off.

The hilarious series revolves around Stephen Karp (Jay Baruchel) whom we meet as he gets his hair cut back in his hometown. He's excited because, in high school, he was, to use the parlance of our times, an unabashed dork. He was into science fiction, he never really had a girlfriend, etc., etc. There's a little part of him in every high schooler. He's our inner loser. Of course, this is television, and so Steve gets de-virginized on his first day at campus.

Steve is surrounded by his three funny roommates, Marshall (Timm Sharp), a truly sloppy guy, Lloyd (Charlie Hunnam), a suave British ladies-man, and pudgy, somewhat brainy Ron (Seth Rogen, who helps write the show). Across the hall are two girls, Lizzie (Carla Gallow) and Rachel (Monica Keena). Lizzie is trying to work out a high school relationship from her dorm with her clingy boyfriend, and Rachel has bouts of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

This comedy definitely deserves your attention. It looks like the most promising new comedy of the season, and relates well to college-bound high school students.

Inside Schwartz, Thursdays at 8:30 on NBC
*

Poor, poor Breckin Meyer. He is involved with the most terrible premiere of the season, Inside Schwartz. You'd think the executives involved in approving the sitcom must have been eating vast quantities of peyote.

Inside Schwartz is a show about a guy dedicated to his girlfriend, Eve (Maggie Lawson) who is really not meant for him. In fact, she dumps him within the first few minutes of the show. But here is what sets the show apart from the rest: Schwartz is so obsessed with sports and his dream job of becoming a sportscaster that he imagines (get ready) what sportscasters or athletes might say if they could observe him, in sports lingo! You haven't lived until you've seen basketball announcer Bill Walton describe Schwartz's breakup with his girlfriend: "Schwartz….rejected.”

The sports-star appearances that work so well for HBO's Arli$$ don't work here. The jocks' dumb jokes make everything even more awkward. You have to wonder how Inside Schwartz (if it survives, and that is a huge if) will stay fresh week after week.

Alias, Sundays at 9:00 pm on ABC
***

Alias is just fine, a peach of a new action drama built specifically for the 16-30 age group. But to really appreciate the show, you have to be able to enjoy an hour of glitzy, showy production and a plot so indecipherable it hurts to try to think about.

The series smacks of the stuff that made the Fox series Dark Angel so popular; a smart, bombshell heroine with ‘tude to spare who kicks rear end and takes names, definitely in that order.

The heroine is Sydney, a grad student at an unnamed college. It's a tumultuous time for Sydney: school's going great, her attractive limey boyfriend just proposed to her (on a side note, the most used supporting character in every new series this season seems to be the expatriate brit) and she has a great job. Working for the CIA. But wait, it gets even weirder. She's not part of the CIA you and I know and love, she's part of SD-6, the CIA's uber-secret-secret-secret group. This makes her life extremely complicated, not to mention the fact that her aloof and estranged father is working for the same organization and she doesn't know it.

Alias is not typical stuff though. The production quality is definitely the prettiest in the television action business, and the show genuinely looks like a major motion picture. The plot can get tiresome though, as does the sometimes over-the-top ridiculous dialogue. Case in point: Sydney's father, confronting her with his secret, tells her in unblinking straightface, "You work for the very enemy you thought you were fighting.”

Despite some speed bumps, Alias comes out swinging, with a lot more fire than most of the competition.