*Chips* bachelors party

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Answers compiled by Vivek Chellappa, Jeffrey Dunn and Ely Portillo.
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Due to the extreme volume of very high-level math questions Ask Chips has been receiving from one reader, Jeff Dunn and his expert team of magnets have been forced to take a few weeks off to rest and recover. This means that Ely Portillo, editor-in-chief and CAP student, will be forced to take over these questions. He has the math skills of a small, unintelligent lemur, but he will try his best to respond.

A math student asks:
"What is the value of the definite integral, using the p-adic valuation metric, of x^2 * dx, from x = 0 to x = 1, in terms of p?”

Ely: Wow "math student," I thought you'd at least start off with a tough one. Anyway, down to business. The value of the definite integral is definitely pretty big. We'll use the cotangent multi-phase cross simulation of Chellappa's Theorem to prove the first value. From x=0 to x=1, there's obviously little variation. Therefore, x = 2. In terms of p, that problem was
p
retty easy (haha, get it?)!

A math student asks:
"Given a polynomial time, polynomial space, Turing machine that can violate the quadratic residuosity assumption, how can the RSA cryptosystem be broken?”

Ely: There are several ways to break the RSA cryptosystem. Any standard-sized bat, tire iron or strong blunt object applied with sufficient force should work.

A math student asks:
"How do you prove the Chinese Remainder Theorem?”

Ely: Easy, that one's not even a math question. As of now, approximately 1,298,847,624 Chinese remain in China. Check out the
CIA Factbook
to verify.

A math student asks:
"If we call x the number 0.000... where the nth digit of x after the decimal point is 0 if 4n+2 can be written as the sum of two primes, and 1 if 4n+2 can't be written as the sum of two primes is x = 0 true?”

Ely: Honestly, I'm so far from understanding what that question is asking that I don't know where to begin. I'm pretty sure you want to know if x = 0 is true. Maybe you should be asking yourself the real question – are you being true to yourself? No, really, I have no idea what this question means. Next!

A math student asks:
"How do you prove that the only absolute valuation that is valid for a finite field is the trivial absolute valuation?”

Ely: This question requires a special kind of "meta-math" that I invented myself. First, lets take the numbers 0 – 10. Eliminate 2, 4, and 8 and add the squares of the rest together. Divide by the number of days in the month of your birthday and divide again by 13,045. Take this answer and square the tangent. Next, take the cube root and apply the Pythagorean Theorem to your answers. Write back when you've got these first steps done!

M asks: "Why do seniors think they are the best when their not?”

Look, let's just face the facts. You're just bitter that we're graduating this year and you're not. You'll have to endure another two, three, or maybe even four more years while in just a few months, we'll be getting out of here. Don't worry, one day you'll understand.

help asks: "What is the current policy for standing for the pledge? Is it mandatory?”

Due in part to the efforts of 2004 grad Elliot Wolf, the current policy has been stated as such:

- It is not legal to punish students for refusing to stand during the Pledge of Allegiance
- Gainous still requests that students stand during the pledge as a sign of respect for those participating, and so as not to draw unwarranted attention to themselves.
- Gainous requests that students who do not stand be sent to him rather than be reprimanded by the teacher or fellow students.
- The school does not want students to think of the meeting with Gainous as a punishment.
- Students who continue to refuse to stand will not be referred to the office again.
- Individual teachers are not allowed to single-out, harass, embarrass or otherwise punish students who do not stand. They should simply be sent to Gainous.

midget asks: "What should I eat so I can grow? I've tried eating everything and now I'm 4'6" and 277 pounds, what can I do?”

The question isn't what should you eat, but what should you drink. The answer is milk: it does the body good. Another suggestion, you might want to eat less...

Joel asks: "Hey, what would happen if there were to be, say, an all-out battle (Medieval siege weapons allowed) between SCO, SC Print, and BNC? Actually, add the chess club in their just for kicks.”

This question somehow reminds me of that lame Tom Cruise movie, The Last Samurai . SC Print and BNC would be like the samurais: outdated, limited by their medium. SCO would be like the modern Japanese army, mowing down the SC Print and BNC like I do to the grass on Sundays. Of course, they'd put up a good fight. The chess club would be smart enough to hide in those bushes on the side and not get involved, so they'd end up without a scratch.

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