It's all been done, baby

Mike Myers is back with more of his unique brand of incredible acting and immature humor.

The obvious question to ask about Austin Powers in Goldmember, the third movie in the blockbuster series, is, "Was there anything new? Does this film add anything to the last two?" Well, no -- but one could also ask, "Did the last hour of the first movie add anything to the first 20 minutes of it?" to which the answer would still be no. The Austin Powers formula is simple enough: introduce this character, then have him and everyone around him talk and act obscenely for ninety minutes.

Don't get me wrong; I really did like the first two movies. I may have even liked this one. It upheld the tradition established by the originals, with the "women chasing after Powers" scene, the "person sitting on a toilet" scene, the "lewd silhouette" scene, the "Dr. Evil unveils his brilliant evil plan" scene . . . and yes, several people get punched or kicked in their private area.

That said, Goldmember answers some important questions. What is Austin Powers's father like? How did Austin Powers and Dr. Evil first meet? How well can Mike Myers do a Dutch accent?

The first Austin Powers movie mainly served as a parody of the classic James Bond movies. In it, Myers played both Austin Powers, the groovy secret agent from the 1960s, and Dr. Evil, the comically stereotypical evil genius. In Austin Powers: the Spy Who Shagged Me, Myers added the mammoth Scotsman Fat Bastard to his repertoire, showing a disturbing trend towards more and more repugnant characters. In this chapter Myers now serves a fourth role: a disco dancing Dutchman with metallic genitalia named Goldmember. The new character's distinguishing characteristics are legs that can be lifted 180 degrees and a taste for his own peeling skin.

We get to see Powers with Evil, Powers with Bastard, Evil with Goldmember, Bastard with Evil, Powers with Goldmember . . . it's a wonder Myers's accents don't get tangled in a bind.

It may seem unusual to even try to judge an Austin Power film on such frivolous aspects like plot or characters. Still, the characters are more hollow and the plot more illogical than either of the previous movies.

Foxxy Cleopatra (Beyoncé Knowles), the requisite female companion, stands around alternating between a smirk and a grimace while people around her talk. Although she may be an improvement over the unbelievably horny Felicity Shagwell from the second movie, Foxxy's cleverest lines are along the lines of "You have the right to remain sexy, sugar!" and "2002 had better get ready for me, because I'm a whole lot of woman!"

In case it matters to you for some reason, here's a summary of the plot. Dr. Evil plans to get the help of Goldmember, who hangs out in a 70s disco club and designs tractor beams on the side. For some reason, Goldmember has kidnapped Austin Powers's father, Nigel Powers (Michael Caine), from the year 2002 and brought him back to the 70s. Austin travels back in time to rescue his father. At Goldmember's club, Austin hooks up with ex-girlfriend-slash-secret-agent Foxxy, but Goldmember escapes with Nigel to the year 2002. Austin and Foxxy chase Goldmember and Dr. Evil to 2002 Japan, where they find ex-henchman Fat Bastard, who leads Austin to Dr. Evil's submarine lair, where Goldmember's device is ready to destroy the planet. Then Austin and Foxxy -- Why are you still reading this? Take my word for it; the plot doesn't matter.

A friend of mine summed up Goldmember with one word: "excessive." I wonder . . . . Was it the umpteenth fart joke? The discussions about the penis size of clones? The inclusion of a dozen irrelevant celebrities?

If you liked the last two movies, you'll get a few kicks out of this one. If you didn't like the original Austin Powers, you're odds of enjoying this movie are as high as Jackie Chan co-starring in a movie with Jennifer Love Hew-- oh, wait, never mind.

Austin Powers in Goldmember is 95 minutes long and is rated PG-13 for sexual innuendo, crude humor, and language. The official website is www.austinpowers.com.