Love hurts? It doesn’t have to

Where only first names appear, names have been changed to protect the identities of the sources.

”I was just teasing him one day, and he slapped me,” says Maggie about the first time her former boyfriend became violent with her. His reason: ”I messed up his hair.”

Unfortunately, Maggie's situation is not unique. According to the American Psychological Association's website, nearly one in ten high school students will experience physical violence from someone they are dating.

And some say that figure is conservative. Social worker Daniel Quinn estimates that abusive relationships among teenagers are probably more common than many people believe simply because the victims don't talk about them. ”It's hard to get an accurate number because, especially at this age, they are unlikely to report [abuse],” Quinn explains.

The descent into violence

Two main elements lead a person to become abusive, says Quinn. First, there are internal factors like depression and problems with impulse control, which, if left untreated, can lead to aggression.

The second factor is environment. ”If a kid is exposed to abuse in the family, like the father beating the mother, [he or she is] much more likely to become an abuser,” says Quinn.

Unfortunately, these factors are not always easy to spot.

When Laura first met her on-and-off boyfriend of three months, she was 15 and he was 18. She didn't mind the age difference, though, because he impressed her with his charm. ”He was sweet,” remembers Laura. ”He was a gentleman.”

But Laura's boyfriend quickly changed from a dream guy into a nightmare.

Laura says that, though she didn't realize it at the time, the first warning of abuse occurred when her boyfriend began trying to control her social life. ”At first, he would ask me what I wanted to do,” she recalls. ”But then it turned into, 'You're doing this. You can't do something else.'”

The intensity of his controlling habits escalated when he saw Laura socializing with her best friend, who happened to be male. ”Most of my friends are guys. It's just always been that way. But then he got really jealous,” Laura explains.

Laura and her best friend were sitting on the hood of her friend's car when Laura's boyfriend came over and picked a fight with her best friend. Laura says she let her boyfriend know that his actions were not okay with her. ”I told him I wasn't into that whole macho 'you're my girl' thing,” she says.

Quinn says that this boyfriend's explosive behavior should have been a clear indicator of future abuse. ”When you have somebody who does not channel anger and frustration healthily, you end up with a time bomb,” he explains.

But her boyfriend's outburst was not enough for Laura to break it off with him, because at that time, Laura didn't view him as a threat to her. ”It wasn't all bad,” she says. ”I was still having fun with him.”

That fun turned to fear, however, when Laura went over to her boyfriend's apartment one day. Laura doesn't remember why, but he began spitting insults at her. Incensed at his disrespect, Laura left her boyfriend's apartment. He chased her, and as he continued to yell, he grabbed her wrists so she could not escape. ”I don't know if [he meant to hurt me], but he began putting pressure on [my wrists], and it really hurt,” Laura recalls.

She told him to stop and to let her go, but her boyfriend refused to listen. ”The words just wouldn't go through to him,” Laura says.
When Laura finally got away, she didn't try to get help. Instead, she ran to her house and bandaged her swollen purple wrists before her mother came home.

Breaking up is hard to do

A few days later, Laura met her boyfriend in a parking lot to return some of his possessions, and she informed him that their relationship was over. He did not accept the news, and responded with a threat. Laura claims he warned her to, "Be careful what you say, because you might regret it.”