Loveless and loving it

Whoever said that June 21 is the longest day of the year was obviously never single on February 14. It's hard enough to endure our nation's day of love alone, but with card and candy companies starting their sickly sweet sales shortly after New Year's, Hallmark and Russell Stover can turn the Valentine's Day 24-hour heartache into a month-long headache.

But this year, you can combat the feelings of worthlessness that are seeping into your unwanted soul. If red and pink make you feel blue, step back off that ledge and take a look at these tricky tactics to make yourself feel loved (or at least look like you are).

If you look forward to V-Day about as much as you look forward to D-Day, do what junior Sanaa Elbalghiti does every year, and forget your loneliness with friends, flicks and fatty foods. "I have a tradition," Elbalghiti says. "I get every sappy love movie that no boy would ever watch, and I bake really chocolatey brownies and invite my girlfriends over. We get movies with lots of boys in them so we can be like, ‘Oooh! That's what I want for Valentine's Day!'"

Elbalghiti believes there is safety in numbers when it comes to protecting a fragile heart. "If you're single on Valentine's Day, just do anything with your same-sex friends," she offers. "Until I have a husband, all I need is my girlfriends."

Senior September Anderson echoes the importance of the role that platonic pals play in surviving the single's Valentine's Day. Anderson delineates that because the size of your lot of V-Day loot is directly correlated with your value as a human being, an easy way to deceive yourself and others into thinking people like you is to enlist the help of the few who do. "Blair makes Valentine's Day a big deal because girls walk around and parade all their stuff," she explains. "So I just get gifts from my friends, if I'm single."

While Anderson's strategy can be quite effective, to pull it off you need to narrow your definition of "friends" to include only those who walk and talk—preferably those who talk to you. This leaves out stuffed animals, video game characters, family pets, security blankets and the person in the picture you keep by your bedside (we all know it came with the frame). And no, Screech, don't try to count your robot Kevin just because he walks and talks—your friends can't be mechanical either.

If you have no chance of finding love—platonic or romantic—in the remaining population, take a hint from your childhood and look to the people who are forced to love you by law: your parents. "The only reason Valentine's Day was ever special was my mom," Elbalghiti reminisces. "She used to make me big heart construction paper cards with those doilies. When I got older, she stopped giving me stuff, but I didn't have a man."

When your self-esteem hits rock bottom, there's nothing like a little unconditional love to lift your spirits. So if your mother stopped giving you Valentines when you reached puberty, drop a few hints that you'll be seeking reassurance around the 14th. Mothers always like to feel needed.

If the thought of asking Mama for a card is less appealing than tattooing LOSER on your forehead, use the same philosophy to deal with Valentine's Day-inflicted depression that you would use to deal with a bumblebee. Hey, maybe if you ignore it, it will just go away.

Elbalghiti snubs the hype surrounding V-Day and asserts that self-worth should never suffer due to lack of a real-life love. "I don't see the importance of having a boyfriend or girlfriend to make you feel special," she says. "I don't even consider Valentine's Day to be a special day."

Junior Ian Shiver justifies his decision to remain VD-free by denouncing the holiday as a marketing tool. "It's completely Hallmarkified," he rationalizes. "It's just a gimmick to get money out of people."

But, Shiver admits, his conspiracy theory grew out of a deeper dislike for Valentine's Day. "It's also the loneliest night in the world for a single guy," he says.

If simply neglecting Valentine's Day is too passive for an adamant antagonist like yourself, take Shiver's suggestion and express your thoughts on V-Day through performance art. "You could go into a store and open all the boxes of chocolate and smash them," he suggests.

Junior Rebekah Zepeda takes a less violent approach to Valentine dissension. Just to show how little she thinks of V-Day, Zepeda dresses as a walking protest to the spirit of marketed love. "I always wear black on Valentine's Day," she says. "Since I don't support the holiday, I don't subscribe to the color scheme."

Despite her animosity toward all things Valentine, Zepeda has somehow avoided ever being a loner on February 14. "I've never liked Valentine's Day, but I have always had a Valentine," she explains. "If someone asks me to be their Valentine, I say, ‘Sure, just don't expect me to wear red.'"

Though Valentine-defying Zepeda has never had to face a couple's world alone, Eros has not been so kind to everyone. Some singles just can't afford to be picky. So whether by chance or by choice, if you're lonely and looking, it's time for a change in strategy.

Since paper cutouts only lead to paper cuts, forget the cliche of winning your crush over with a frilly, hand-crafted Valentine collage. Instead, show the apple of your eye what a low-maintenance and straightforward individual you are with an envelope filled with cash.

If that bold move doesn't attract some attention, get a refund and put your money to better use. Thirty-nine dollars and ninety-five cents will buy you two ounces of love in the form of the marketed pheromone 5-Alpha-Androst-16-En-3-One on www.mrpher-omone.com. "If you're not getting noticed, you will be. If you're getting some attention, you'll get a lot more," says the website. "Science has proven it."

Not convinced that rubbing synthetically produced sweat all over you will up your sexiness factor? Then forget the sexiness factor altogether, and find your perfect match at asexualpals.com, a dating service for "self-proclaimed asexuals," a.k.a.: those who have given up entirely.

If even the thought of talking to a member of the opposite sex strikes fear into your broken heart, your best bet to find love—or at least company—is volgagirl.com, where you can privately browse through hundreds of pictures of non-English-speaking foreign brides, eager to flee from Russia into your open arms. Because hey, communication is overrated anyway.