Making the most of the holidays

Jan. 8, 2010, 11:43 p.m. | By Amir Gorjifard | 10 years, 7 months ago

Two amazing things you can make with four terrible gifts

Christmas is long gone. You didn't get what you wanted this year and are forced to pretend to love your new Santa underwear and pocket protector. Your friend got that cute dress you were eyeing in the mall or that Wii you always wanted.

It's the post-holiday season and you probably feel like you're at rock bottom. Never fear - the giftologists at Silver Chips Online have great ideas for making use of your terrible gifts. Instead of giving readers clichéd advice to either re-gift or return an item to the store, these experts have more creative suggestions as to what to do with your dud of a gift.

Wool sweater and cologne

What are you really going to do with a wool sweater? You're not Bill Cosby. Nothing can make this better than another present of Aqua Velva cologne. Now you have to pretend that it smells distinguished when it actually smells like an angry onion and kindly helps you find cuts on your neck and wrists that you never knew you had.

Now you may be wondering, trusted reader, what can these two awful gifts be combined to make? You guessed it! An anti-intruder device. You'll never have to fear burglars breaking in at night thanks to this device. Here's what to do:

1. Take the cologne and screw off the sprayer that always conveniently aims for your eye.
2. Pour all the contents of the cologne on the sweater.
3. Find an intruder.
4. Take the anti-intruder device and throw it directly at the prowler's face.

If all these steps are performed properly, the intruder will be distracted by the itchy ugliness of the sweater and eye-burning capability of the projectile - but mostly the burning. Now this buys you time to ensnare the burglar in the useless Snuggie given to you last year. When the police arrive you will be deemed a hero and will probably have an article written about you in the school newspaper. How about that for full circle?

Goldfish, fish bowl and aluminum

Yet again, your parents forgot to buy Christmas gifts and went to Wal-Mart at the last minute. You are heart-stricken and at the point of considering filing for emancipation. Don't call your lawyer just yet because these three boring items can be turned into hours of fun.

1. Take the aluminum and cover the entire outer lining of the fish bowl.
2. Pour the water in the bowl and insert the goldfish. (The goldfish might appreciate it if you pour the water first).
3. Now the goldfish will thinks it's in a bowl of filled with an army of his or her kind.

Now you can wait and observe as the goldfish attempts to start a civilization, become its ruler and slowly realize that it's alone. You will be the only kid in the neighborhood with a morally confused goldfish. A special note: do not place the aluminum foil bowl in direct sunlight, unless of course you enjoy fried fish.

Silver Chips Online has turned your glum Christmas gifts into the most wonderful presents of the year. Your life has suddenly turned into a glistening light of happiness and you have only us to thank. You're very welcome!

Amir Gorjifard. Son of Mahmoud Gorjifard and Nahid Gorjifard, Amir can be best described by two words: gorgeous and modest. His two loves in this world are his two guitars - his acoustic guitar, E. Roosevelt (he was forced to add the E. due to an overrated … More »

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