Nothing comes free kids

When little butterflies and Power Rangers come knocking on October 31, no way are they sincerely wishing me a happy Halloween. All they want is my candy. I'll drop a piece or two in their baskets; they'll all give me a phony smile then set off for the next victim of their deception.

As the little "innocent" trick-or-treaters stroll from house to house, many adults are inclined to dish out sweets left and right. But sensible individuals, like myself, know just how conniving these little kids really are.

Take toddlers, for example. With extreme caution and a parent close by their side, they inch slowly toward the front door before shyly delivering a slurred attempt at "Trick or treat." Out flows the candy. When the cuteness factor is gone, however, the candy stops flowing. Junior Max Salzman knows what he would do if a high schooler came a-knocking dressed as an insect. "I would slam the door because they're [with] a bunch of little kids in a bumblebee costume. That's a little weird," he says. But is that really any weirder than "wise" adults falling for the tricks of disingenuous kids?

No.

Halloween may seem like all fun and games, but stuffing bags with boundless amounts of candy is actually setting a terrible example for kids. I mean, look what happened to this girl.

We don't want our little trick-or-treaters getting accustomed to handouts because, after all, the Founding Fathers weren't a bunch of takers. The great US of A was built on commerce and fair trade, not on charity. If the little con-kids want candy, fine. But I want equal satisfaction in return.

Here's how to make Halloween a true red-blooded American holiday. It should not only be a night just about taking; it should also be about giving…little kids nightmares. If the princesses don't pay me in cash for the candy, then I'm going to scare the bejeebers out of them. Then we'll have a balanced trade.

So just remember, if a little kid walks away from your house crying on Halloween, then you've just helped to restore the American Dream.