Politically correct holidays

It's not an easy job being the politically correct watchdog for the holiday season. Every Nov. 1, I pull out my Hanukkah-menorah spear, Christmas-lights whip and Kwanzaa-vegetable bazooka and turn my eye to assaulting those three terrible offenders of political correctness: stores, cards and holiday jingles.

Now, you may think this makes me sound like a Scrooge. The truth is I'm far from it. I'm simply committed to protecting everyone's holiday even at the expense of losing a coveted Christmas gift, handful of Hanukkah gelt or Kwanzaa...what do they give out for Kwanzaa, anyway?

Santa will make you an offer you can't refuse

My first excursion is to CVS, which"in the mere 24 hours since the stroke of midnight on Halloween"has become the new headquarters of the merciless Santa Mafia. From every corner, fat, sinister old men glare at me, their misleadingly jolly eyes hiding secret plans to sabotage the political correctness of the holidays. After hunting for ten minutes, I find evidence of their crime: two lonely packs of Hanukkah cards.

This blatant show of disrespect infuriates me so much that I want to pelt somebody with latkes. I resist the urge and squeeze my way between two gigantic piles of Christmas lights and march towards the cash register. Hands on my hips, I demand to speak to the manager about the gross excess of Christmas paraphernalia.

"Why all the decorations?" I ask shrewdly, eyes narrowed.

"Because it's the Christmas season," says the manager.

"But it's also the Hanukkah season." Caught ya!

"Surveys show that Christmas decorations bring in the most customers."

"What surveys?"

"Um…" mumbles the manager. "The cash-register surveys."

Yeah, that and the pay-off you get from the Santa Mafia, I think to myself. If this guy were Rudolph, his red nose would be as long as Pinocchio's. As I don't do business with liars, I'm going to have to make holiday cards all by myself.

How many lights are there on a menorah, again?

I start out strong with the Christmas cards, following the historic example of Medieval artists, giving my illustrations shrunken, grimacing faces. Santa's red coat is mangy and ripped, his beard tangled with lice. There aren't the usual nine reindeer, either.
Five have died from the plague.

But when faced with making Hanukkah cards, my struggles swell like a Macy's cash register on Black Friday. The all-important question of how to correctly spell Hanukkah looms before me, a dangerous pit of uncertainty. Are there two N's or two K's? A "Ch" at the beginning?
The ways in which I can offend the Jewish community seem endless.

After much deliberation, I reason that because Hanukkah is translated from Hebrew, which reads from right to left, the best solution would be to simply write Hanukkah backwards.

The cards done, I don my protective-armor Santa suit and grab my pointed candy-cane lance, for the last stage of my fight is sure to be the most dangerous.

Cautious carols and sneaky stories

I've discovered that the seemingly innocent songs and tales from our childhood are actually the arch-enemies of the holiday season. Don't be fooled by the tales of Santa's "happy" elves"those are underpaid, non-union elves slaving away in sweatshops late on Christmas Eve. Who would ever be happy wearing such heinous green tights and pointed red hats?

Another common offender is the ever-popular "Deck the Halls," whose "Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la" must unquestionably be replaced with "Don we now our non-sexual-preference material."

Also, one must be careful when it comes to "Frosty the Snowman." The fault here is obvious to the politically aware: "Frosty the Snowperson" is much more suitable.

Now, kids, it's not just Santa and his CVS-based Mafia watching you when it comes to political correctness this holiday season. It's me, too, and I don't just stuff coal in stockings. You'd better watch out for those latkes.