Rah rah, go Blair...Tiddlywinks?

Jan. 12, 2007, midnight | By Boris Vassilev | 14 years, 9 months ago

Obscure sports wade through perils that plague varsity sports

Hang up the football pads, put away the good old pigskin, pack up the baseball glove, and stow the"UPA (Ultimate Players Association) approved 175 gram Frisbee?

That's right Blazers, your school is host to a number of sports that many may have never known existed. The Tiddlywinks club, the late cricket team, Ultimate Frisbee Team and the rifle team, to name a few obscurities. How did they do in their seasons? The Tiddlywinks club won the regional competition and is planning a trip to England to play the only other Tiddlywinks team around. Blair Frisbee's Team, "Home Cooked," tied for third in their division this fall and is preparing for the state high school championship in the spring. The rifle team, though disbanded several years back, was the last Blair team to win a state competition.

In contrast, tennis just managed to hold onto their division and Blair field hockey was knocked out in their first playoffs game. Valiant efforts, no doubt, but do they match the track records of the more obscure sports?

How is this possible, you may ask? How can teams that get school sponsorship, regular practice times, talented coaches and jerseys with their names on them be worse at their sport than teams that wear mismatched shades of red to their games, meet once a week to "practice" and get about as much publicity as"well, obscure sports do?

In order to answer this question, a list of how unofficial Blair sports could possibly be better scoring than Blair-sponsored sports has been carefully weighed out and compiled:

1. The boys' locker room in the 120s hallway is known for having its own volatile bio-habitat separate from anything else found on Earth. Gases emanating from it often slither their way to the third floor and assault students roaming the halls. Those entering this hostile environment are subject to a methodical breakdown of their immune, nervous and muscle systems. By not visiting this unique ecosystem, unendorsed Blair sports players maintain better physical and mental health.

2. Unofficial Blair sports players practicing outside in the fall are exposed to severe elements such as rain, sleet, ice and trash in the form of mouth guards and bottles left on the fields by the football team. Thus, they tend to develop better immunities to common diseases like colds, the flu and rabies, enhanced senses of balance and a profound appreciation for nature that greatly improves their overall playing quality.

3. When official Blair sports have away games, they are usually taken there by a school bus, and practice cheers and meditate for the game ahead. When unsponsored sports teams have an away game, they drive themselves there, developing lightning fast reflexes and spatial movement calculation by dodging and weaving through dense traffic in a '96 Honda Accord.

4. For players of sports like tennis, soccer and football, there exists the opportunity for a scholarship from a university looking to boost their affiliated sports team. For Frisbee and tiddlywinks players (unless you plan to go to college in Ithaca), there is no such danger! By remaining free of the pressure to actually perform well in their games to impress a college scout, Blazers in un-sponsored Blair sports teams actually maintain healthier mental attitude and perform better.

5. Blazers playing unsponsored sports have no set practice times. With a come-when-you-wish policy, and no enforced practice dates, slackers who fail to make it to practice are immediately eliminated, making the team a dynamo of talent and dedication.

Instantly, it becomes clear who really has the edge in Blair sports. Step aside, tightly padded Blair football player, make way for the nimble Tiddlywinker. So the next time you pass one of those weird kids with the Frisbee discs in the hallways, remember: though his shirt may have "MBHS" written on it with black Sharpee, he's still scoring points for Blair.

Boris Vassilev. THIS IS BORIS'S FIRST BIO EVER! Squirrels in the Montgomery Blair area have recently filed a restraining order against Boris. He copped their nuts and borrowed their hairstyles. (Just look at his legs!) More »

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