Senior Skip Day participation low; Gainous "disappointed" by lack of school spirit

Silver Quips disclaimer: This article is written as satire. Please don't take it seriously.

Principal Philip Gainous cited the low participation in Senior Skip Day as a sign of dwindling school spirit in a conference with the SGA.

"Monday was March 3rd, 2003. That's 03-03-03. If that's not a day for the class of 2003 to skip, I don't know what is," said Gainous.

According to attendance records, about 70% of seniors were in school on Monday. Of the absent 30%, about 3% had a legitimate excuse.

Gainous expressed disappointment with these figures. "A 27 percent participation rate is completely unsatisfactory. As principal, I want to work to motivate all seniors to participate in the skip day. My goal for next year is 50 percent. Surely if we all work together we can accomplish this goal."

In other fake news:

Commuters in Montgomery County became aware of schoolbuses thanks to recently installed flashing lights at the top of the buses.

The strobe lights now atop most Montgomery County Public School buses have significantly improved the safety of school transportation, according to MCPS transportation official Ashley Hayes. "We were in a conference trying to decide how to make buses safer. People had the usual suggestions: reduce overcrowding so that a maximum of five students have to stand in the ailse, install seatbelts, instruct drivers to obey the speed limit... Then someone had a breakthrough. 'Maybe other drivers can't see the buses,' he said. 'Can't we do something about that?' I realized immediately that we were on to something. The lights were installed within the week."

When asked about the several dozen accidents that have occured when drivers were distracted by the flashing lights and lost control of their vehicle, Hayes did not comment.