Silver Quips disclaimer: This article is intended as satire. All quotes, facts, and information are made up.
The red slips of paper handed out at the attendance office which excuse tardies related to late buses, will from now on cost $30, the business department decided recently.
According to business manager Fern Draiser, the change was a logical step in the school year. "It just makes sense," said Draiser. "The school's short on money, other price increases this year have been surprisingly well-received by students, and late bus passes are widely utilized by students. It all adds up." The "other price increases" include cafeteria food and student parking. "The reaction, or lack thereof, of the students to other prices increases indicated that this year's students might be a step behind," added Draiser. "We figured we could pull at least one more fast one."
Attendance office secretary Anne Tendance said that she has historically given out about 40 to 50 passes a day. "I always felt wrong, just giving them out," said Tendance. "In real life you have to pay for that kind of butt-saving."
The change comes at a good time for the financially strapped Blair. Despite the wildly popular decision to ban freaking dancing, losses in homecoming tickets sales had been estimated in the thousands.
The SGA was quick to endorse the new school policy. "I… I mean the SGA, fully supports the new… whatsit? Oh yeah, late bus pass policy," said SGA spokesperson Perez Ident. "Every student needs to give back to the community."
The most important thing, according Tendance, is stability. "More traditional means of collecting money have been unreliable," said Tendance. "In any given year, there will be varying numbers of dance tickets, parking spots, and food products sold. But there will always be traffic!" Tendance said.
Draiser also alighted on some of the other ideas that the department generated for meeting future financial needs. "We discussed charging kids for use of BEN, for their school newspaper, for the little plastic spoons we're just giving out right now in the cafeteria; the possibilities really are endless," Draiser said with a laugh. "We even discussed charging kids five dollars to have their cheap plastic IDs replaced! Oh, wait…"
Nick Falgout. Nick Falgout was bored one day and decided to change his Chips staff information. And now, for a touching song lyric: "I'm a reasonable man, get off my case Get off my case, get off my case." ~ Radiohead, "Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd … More »