Take the hallways back: ban rolling backpacks

These days, our great nation faces many grave issues. Terrorists threaten our safety and we're on the brink of war with Iraq. However this column is here to explore a far more controversial and pressing matter. I feel it's my duty to spread awareness of an epidemic that has afflicted hundreds of students and teachers alike.

I am of course referring to rolling backpacks. Those bags on wheels that trail behind people all over the school, taking up the scant space in our hallways and banging into our shins. Not only are they the epitome of everything that is wrong with teenagers today, but they also cause "aggressive walking" in our nations schools. When you see someone dragging a bag behind them that they could just as easily hoist on their shoulders thereby freeing up enough room for at least three freshmen to walk with relative comfort instead of being forced by upper-classman to scale the wall, you want to kick it off its wheels.

What really gets me is when people try to pull the bag up the stairs. When I see someone do this, I want to grab them by the lapels and say, "Do you realize wheels DON'T WORK WHEN THEY AREN'T TOUCHING THE GROUND?! HUH?! DO YOU?!" But of course I keep my composure and instead sigh loudly, causing people to turn around and ask me if I need CPR.

Perhaps I should be more tolerant, but I believe in erring on the side of caution. Rolling backpacks should be rounded up and burned in a large bonfire, except perhaps they should be placed next to each other instead of on top of each other to avoid the possibility of innocent bystanders being crushed by flaming, wheelable L.L. Bean bags of death that have rolled down the pile.

Pulling around a little bag of your belongings behind you is reminiscent of a small child attempting to run away from home and equally as dim-witted. We can only hope that this new craze doesn't evolve or we may start seeing kindergarten children with backpacks that have monster-truck big-wheels or little girls with knapsacks that double as strollers for dolls with names like "My First Baby-in-a-Bag."

We have a serious problem on our hands and we need to do something about it. I suggest every school spend at least one week discussing the issue with its students and educating them about what I like to call the "dork factor" of rolling backpacks. If all else fails, we could always have President Bush declare that the money the public spends on bags with wheels goes to terrorists.

I end this column with a thought provoking question: If MC Hammer began modeling rolling backpacks, would that be enough to drive people away from them?