The secret world of ‘No Child Left Behind'

Disclaimer: The following conversation never took place. The article is intended for a few quick laughs (hopefully).

Bush: So what do we need to do to uphold the ‘No Child Left Behind' Act?

Advisor: Well, according to current projections, there is almost no chance of successfully implementing the Act any time soon.

Bush: Nonsense, we got it working in Texas. With much less resources.

Advisor: But Mr. President … the New York Times recently exposed Rod Paige for telling lies comparable to the accountants at Enron!

Bush: Statistics are statistics… y'all should stop being so suspicious of your president.

Advisor: Regardless, we shifted all of the blame to Rod Paige, so you're safe.

Bush: But we need to get this going for the whole country this time. You wanna be the next Rod Paige?

Advisor: I'll pass.

Bush: Anyways we've got to figure out how to get the ratings up. Wanna see if we can slightly skewer the reports?

Advisor: You mean skew. I am not sure if that is possible, but if anything we should start out by regulating grades.

Bush: Make getting good grades easy.

Advisor: That is one option. We should also manipulate the SATs, as that appears to be the new standard of educational results.

Bush: You know that guy down over there… what's his name, Yeast?

Advisor: You mean Weast. What about him?

Bush: That contra-verse he brewed up with his SAT idea…

Advisor: Controversy? I am not so sure that idea is feasible or suggestible…

Bush: But it works. It is a genius idea! We'll run a preliminary SAT test…

Advisor: The PSATs, Mr. President?

Bush: Sure, sure, whatever. And then whoever gets high marks on the PSATs can take the SATs. That'll raise our average so much it'll have them teachers droppin' jaws.

Advisor: Mr. President, what about the students who are rebuffed from taking the SATs?

Bush: Tell them it's a new policy, tell the College Board it's by order of the United States Government, backed personally by the President of the United States. That should sound official enough.

Advisor: That can be arranged. So we're actually taking this Weast's idea?

Bush: Give that Yeast a silent thanks. Maybe we can actually meet our ‘No Child Left Behind' Act now.

Advisor: Slight problem, we spent almost all of our educational funding on Iraq.

Bush: Iraq… schools… Iraq… schools… if we don't finish the job in Iraq there won't be any schools left. Stupid terrorists. Call up the Pentagon to get ready for another war, and notify the CIA that we'll be needing some more statistics on Iran that we can use to make them look evil.

Advisor: And then we'll have enough oil to compensate for any war costs…

Bush: Giving us even more flexibility, if needed, to get the educational ratings up. We've got a plan, let's kill.

Advisor: Execute, Mr. President?

Bush: Whatever. Do it.

Advisor: Understood, Mr. President.

Bush: Now, about that war…