"Trinity": a sloppy finish to a failed trilogy

Dec. 14, 2004, midnight | By Danny Scheer | 15 years, 11 months ago

Let's burn some vampires!

Can exploding bodies save a dull movie? Sorry to say, "Blade: Trinity” seemed to prove that surefire success theory wrong.

In the past "Blade” movies, Blade (Wesley Snipes) himself is more than your average vampire hunter. Tall, dark and handsome, Blade karate chops his way through crowds of beasts of the night with cool high-tech weapons and hardcore attitude. The first "Blade” itself expanded on the now-trite vampire genre, creating engrossing and inventive cult flicks.

The previous "Blade”s included gothic imagination, comic-book storylines and exciting fighting choreography. In "Blade Trinity”, all you see that resembles decent entertainment is exploding bodies. Everything else falls short, including the acting, directing and basically all the other good parts of cinema. The "Blade” trilogy was a good idea, but "Trinity” left out the vital ingredient from its predecessors: the heart and effort vital to create anything as creative and imaginative as "Blade” was.

One of the only parts "Trinity” took the time to make entertaining was the gratuitously graphic violence. Now, there is a fine art in graphic violence. Actually, there are two important aspects of decent graphic violence. There has to be vivid gore and subjects worthy of a good slicing.

In the gore department, "Trinity” gets an A. Besides the frequent spurts of cheesy CGI blood, the exploding bodies are a treat to watch. Imagine the broody Blade swooping down from a staircase like a bat and impaling his lanky vampire brethren, who burst into glorious CGI flames and subside into evanescent embers and ashy residue. However, the who aspect of who is impaled is also equally important. The receiver of the violence must be deserving, and in "Trinity's” case, the receivers are squealing, pretty-boy vampire lug heads who fling themselves willingly at Blade. Whether they do some karate-chop action or just run moaning and screaming at Blade does not matter, for they will all eventually eat Blade's silver-encrusted knife.

Speaking of Blade, the poor guy, he has a lot to do on his list. Of course, ridding the world of vampires is first, but finding a new home has become a high priority, considering his old one was ransacked by the FBI and blown up at the beginning of "Trinity”. Captured by the FBI, Blade has to band together with his master's daughter, Abigail (Jessica Biel) and her team of ragtag vampire hunters, including Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds), Sommerfeild (Natasha Lyonne) and others. This new team is not very experienced, so Blade has to carry the youngbloods on his back while they fight the likes of a new breed of yuppie, Goth-make-up-wearing vampires (led by Parker Posey) who enlist the likes of a new-age Dracula (Dominic Purcell).

Thus, Blade has a handful, even without taking into account the vampires and exploding bodies. Reynolds and Biel, his partners, are all over the place. Biel is pretty to look at, but annoying to hear; her whines and I'm-just-a-girl attitude get quite frustrating after a while.

Reynolds is even worse. He believes he can save "Trinity” with his dim-witted one-liners and perverted attitude. Boy, is he wrong. Hearing Reynolds' umpteenth hackneyed wow-am-I-clever joke gets, well, a little hackneyed. If only Blade had the will to take some time away from hacking vampires and knife Reynolds"hopefully more than once.

Unlike N'Bushe Wright, who played Blade's sultry yet sharp sidekick in the first Blade, Reynolds and Biel fail as appropriate sidekicks. Wright was not flashy or overblown; she was just a hardcore babe that matched Blade's dominating style. Reynolds and Biel seem thrown into the mix. They do not work well with Blade's domineering dynamic and weaken the storyline.

Parker Posey, a rather funny gal who was hilarious in "Waiting for Guffman”, also gives a mediocre performance. Nobody can blame Posey though; she has a tough role. Just look at her: face smeared in pasty make-up and body clad in trashy clubbing gear"think an all-black leather skirt, fishnet spaghetti-strap top and enough hair spray to mold a puff "and” to put a hole in the ozone layer the size of Alaska. Posey evokes a naughty girl who wants, um, er, something. Like many of the other characters, Posey wanders around the set without motivation. She is just a cool-looking vampire who likes to scheme and seduce.

The rest of the actors' performances, including Snipes, need not be mentioned. Their acting is disgraceful and uninspired, allowing "Trinity” to lapse from a decent vampire franchise to another forgettable sequel" unless you "love” exploding vampires.

"Blade: Trinity"is rated R for graphic violence and pervasive language, and some sexual content. Playing at area theatres

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Danny Scheer. Danny Scheer. WHAT??????? YA YA YA YA YA!!!!!! Danny WUVS a lot. Especially poems. That begin with TRANSIBUNT!!!! LOL LOL LOL By the way, Danny likes movies and bands that begin with the letter "B" and "D" and "T" and "J" and "M" and "C" … More »

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