Editor's note: This article is a humor column responding to Eliot Stein's article from Silver Chips' April print edition, "Wow, thank God I'm not a woman!." Like Eliot's article, it is meant as entertainment ONLY and should NOT be taken seriously.
A few weeks ago, I opened my favorite newspaper (Silver Chips, of course) and was horrified to find the ludicrous ranting of a clearly delusional journalist. Eliot Stein, previously just your average, sub-par student, had gotten it into his head that it's better to be a boy than a girl. Well, the darkness of seething anger engulfed me at this point, and when my thoughts cleared I found this piece on my computer screen. I hope it was me who actually wrote it.
A friend of mine has a shirt which has undoubtedly cost her quite a few dates over the years. But it has more than just a bit of truth to it. It reads: "First God created Adam. Then She corrected Her mistake." Sure, my friend is what you might call a Femi-nazi, but her contempt for anything with chest hair brings me to this point: men are dumber, dirtier and downright less fortunate than women.
Let's start our trek through the history of man's complete inferiority at the beginning. In first grade, you'll find girls calmly playing the games of doctor or perhaps rocket scientist while boys fling boogers at each other and leave their soiled Superman underwear in the bathroom. In fourth grade, the girls are taking active leadership roles while the boys huddle in a corner to make farting noises with their armpits, or, perhaps, by the more traditional method. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Men are dense. Plus, they go bald.
Yes, it's an undeniable fact. Once these guys are out of high school (some aren't even that lucky), a good number of them start spending their free time developing elaborate ways to conceal their receding hairlines. Do women ever experience this trauma? Only if these "women" have testicles and bristly faces. I'm certainly not saying that going bald is something to be ashamed of, since, judging from my uncles, my sons will probably start losing their locks at age 16. Still, there's nothing sadder than when a man finally takes off his cowboy hat to show off thin wiry hair newly planted in even rows on his previously barren forehead.
Not only do women get to keep their hair, but we also are in complete control of our relationships at all times. Do you actually think a guy could play mind games with his girlfriend, trick her into doing chores by promising cookies or by refusing to do something she really wanted to do? Am I being too subtle here? Of course he could never pull this off, but it doesn't even turn heads when a woman has a whimpering man neatly under her manicured thumb.
A less-than-brilliant guy (try to figure out who I'm talking about here) might try to use our periods as proof of his sex's superiority. He is sorely mistaken. Sure, we menstruate, but this just means that we can blame almost anything on PMS.
"Who broke the vase?" My raging hormones. "How could you crash the car?" I had a cramp.
We can also duck out of class at any time for an "emergency," secure in the knowledge that our teachers won't even broach the subject when we return from frolicking in the halls while our male counterparts are busy counting bricks on the wall.
Now, I'm not saying that men should start downing estrogen pills (okay, maybe I am), but it can't be denied that girls got the better deal. It's true that guys fall out of bed in the morning and come to school without showering more often than girls do, but really, why are they proud of this? It's like boasting that you're not potty-trained.
But I have to admit, men do come in handy when the gutters need to be cleaned or when the toilet gets clogged up, and the world would be pretty lonely without them. Still, they can never claim to be the superior sex, especially when they're still starting food fights in their retirement homes. I have to say guys, I am woman, hear me roar. Even louder than you can.
Sally Colwell. Sally Colwell is co-centerspread editor and is tremendously excited to be on paper this year. In her free time she enjoys reading novels, drawing, not practicing the violin and attending demolition derbies. During the summer she is a counselor at Burgundy Center for Wildlife Studies … More »