Montgomery Blair High School's Online Student Newspaper
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Dec. 19, 2011

Traditional travesties

by Stacy Mathew, Online Opinions and Features Editor and Mimi Verdonk, Online Sports Editor
Ah, the holidays. Presents under the tree, candy canes stuffed in stockings and those Christmas carolers who harass you to donate money for the Salvation Army.

But wait. Have you gone to the kitchen?

Fruitcakes are our least favorite dessert to grace the holiday table. Courtesy of
Fruitcakes are our least favorite dessert to grace the holiday table.
There seems to be a disgusting brown object in the center of the table. Itís full of nasty dried up raisins and other questionable (and artificial) ingredients. As you step closer, the objectís odor begins to surround you and itís inescapable. You finally realize what it is: fruit cake.

The holidays are full of family, cheer and harmony. But letís face it; they're a little lacking in the food department, which makes it a bit harder to enjoy the festivities. From shortbread cookies that can break your teeth to vomit-inducing egg nog, itís hard to pick what you want to eat, what you should eat, or what youíre even willing to eat. SCO food experts, Mimi and Stacy, have composed a list of five holiday foods to avoid.

Fruit Cake
Who doesnít love fruit cake? An unmistakable combination of unrecognizable, colorful "fruits," a slightly burnt and chalky exterior topped with a potent dose of powdered sugar. Americans canít seem to get enough of this "beloved" classic. We continue to buy those little square cake boxes, as if someone really wants to eat a dessert that tastes like cardboard infested with raisins. And let's not forget: no one likes raisins - theyíre the tasteless, shriveled, unfortunate cousin of craisins! Fruitcakes are the only thing keeping SunMaid in business.

Egg Nog
Egg Nog is rumored to have originated in Europe and is almost always present at the dinner table during holiday season. No one is really sure why the Europeans wanted to bring it over here, but we try our best to forgive them. When mixed together, seemingly harmless sugar, milk, spices and raw eggs combine to form a taste comparable to the underworld and leave your breath in dire need of a mint - or twelve.

Shortbread Cookies
You see the cookies. You think they are sugar cookies. You put them in your mouth and immediately regret this decision. The only time shortbread cookies are appropriate is when you are visiting a distant relative and feel the need to bring them a gift. However, when deciding what to feed people you actually like, make sure to avoid shortbread cookies. No one really likes a desert in their mouth.

Chunky Cranberry Sauce
We were being generous when we allowed you to put cranberry sauce on the table at all, and now you add chunks into it! Chunky anything is never a good idea. Itís just an extra little something to gag on when you take a spoonful, while trying to be polite. Cranberry sauce is the confused condiment, too sour for your turkey and too sweet for your potatoes, but just nice enough to make it to Christmas dinner. Weíll pass; weíd rather have jello anyways.

Sweet Potato Pie
The whole concept of potatoes in a pie, sweet or not, kind of creeps us out. If we can start tossing around starches into our desserts, it wonít be long before the vegetables come in too. And no oneís looking forward to tomato pudding or onion cake. Sweet potato pie tries its hardest to be like its tastier, more popular friend of the pumpkin variety, but pumpkin itís not. Part stingy, part congealed, sweet potato pie has the consistency of a cleaning detergent and the flavor to boot. Do yourself a favor and stay away.

No matter what type of holiday activities you have planned for this highly anticipated winter break, we advise you to avoid these foods at all cost. However, if you do end up eating any of these dishes - or other gross meals - we ask that you take a picture of your reaction so we can add it to our humor section.

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  • love fruits! on December 20, 2011 at 8:14 AM
    a tomato is a fruit, not a veggie
  • omg on January 1, 2012 at 2:38 AM
    lol, you are deprived! what about log cake man, log cake!

    some people call it buche!
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