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Oct. 29, 2014

America faces biggest threat since the Red Scare

by Nicholas Shereikis, Grand Vizier
My fellow Americans, I write to you today in the shadow of a monstrous threat to our country. Not since the Red Scare have we faced such a dire threat to the well-being of our nation. I’m speaking of that which has the potential to leave our society in tatters—a barren wasteland where a great power once stood. I’m talking, of course, about the recent prohibition of yoga pants around the country. Although not yet at Blair, this prohibition is quickly spreading across the nation. Places like Weymouth Public Schools, Massachusetts; Haven Middle School, Illinois; Marlow School District, Oklahoma; and Minnetonka High School, Minnesota, have already implemented this change in the dress code.

Horrifyingly, yoga pants and other articles of the female wardrobe are slowly becoming extinct in school districts around America. No longer can teenage girls walk the halls of their institution of education in comfort; gone are the days of skinny jeans, jeggings, and tights. Young women nationwide are being forced to give up their freedom to dress as they choose in order to prevent their male counterparts from becoming distracted.

As a 16-year-old male, I can say with 100 percent assuredness that nobody asked for this change. There was no petition among students to ban yoga pants and nobody wrote to their local congressman about the issue. It definitely didn't come from the millions of male students who are 'forced' to spend time staring at girls' clothing, and it even more definitely didn't come from the girls themselves. This prohibition, and the reasons cited for it, originated exclusively as a way of controlling students, as well as an attempt to halt changing women's fashion.

After talking with a couple of girls, I've reached a startling conclusion: Girls don't wear tight clothing because they want to appeal to boys! Nor do they wear them because they want to look "easy," as some school districts are suggesting with the ban. No! Contrary to popular belief, girls wear clothing like yoga pants or jeggings because they're comfortable.

Aside from the obvious issues concerning freedom of expression and possible violation of Constitutional rights, this prohibition of tight clothing also poses an interesting question – where do we stop? First yoga pants, then crop tops. Next thing you know we're all living in convents and monasteries, wearing monk robes and nun habits. Which brings us to another question – what do these schools expect their female students to wear? As far as I can tell, the majority of the bottom half of the female wardrobe is comprised of jeggings, yoga pants, and jeans. By removing all those from the equation, what the school is basically asking for is sweat pants every day of the week for the rest of the year. And that's just absurd.

Oh, there are other options: dresses (as long as they're not too tight) or skirts (as long as they're a certain length). But the girls' freedom to choose is still hugely limited.

What is this teaching today's youth? By imposing limitations on female students just because teenage boys can't control themselves, we are teaching girls to be ashamed of their bodies. That's "slut-shaming" and it's a serious issue even without our local governments encouraging it. Furthermore, these prohibitions are essentially giving boys license to let themselves go, and even suggest that it is acceptable to objectify women and treat them with disrespect. Obviously it's impossible to completely eradicate things like the occasional wandering eye. Every now and then, a boy's hormones will slap him across the face and cause him to think in a way probably inappropriate for young children. But that doesn't mean that we should encourage those feelings to such an extreme that it becomes externalized through sexual harassment or assault. By allowing it to go unchecked, all we are doing is encouraging the expansion and growth of such things.

This change to the dress codes portrays women's bodies as a potential threat to the innocence of a man who might be tempted to sexually harass or assault them, essentially transforming the girls into the villains of the issue and exonerating the males.

So, let's go over the pros and cons of this change in the dress code. On the plus side, it…no, wait, there is no plus side. It's educational, but teaches the wrong things. By implementing this new prohibition, we are: encouraging slut-shaming and the objectification of women, casting women as at fault for distracting the 'innocent boys,' possibly violating the freedom of expression guaranteed in the First Amendment, and asking girls to wear sweatpants almost every day of the year.

Now let's review what prompted this: nothing! Nobody affected by this dress code change had any part in causing it. It's absurd, and we need to stop the spread as soon as we can. Because yoga pants, aside from being comfortable (I'm told), constitute a major part of the female wardrobe. And without them, the world becomes a much darker place.



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  • ew on October 30, 2014 at 1:41 PM
    is it just me or is this article kind of sexist/gross? like i appreciate that it addresses slut-shaming, great, but did he have to emphasize that he's a 16 year old guy who likes girls in yoga pants? it came off a little skeezy
    • cmon on November 1, 2014 at 12:52 PM
      He's just emphasizing that no one was asking for this. It's a humor article
      . Chill.
      • Leave the boy alone on November 5, 2014 at 12:56 PM
        fudge you
        • blazer9 on January 11, 2016 at 9:06 AM
          I think it's just you...
  • yoga pants... on October 31, 2014 at 12:00 AM
    Seems like a bit of an over-generalization. Yoga pants aren't always a "major part of the female wardrobe," although it does seem to be a trend. (Personally, even as a girl, I find yoga pants very unattractive when worn with short shirts, they're just not...attractive. But that's just me.)

    I'm a bit of a fence sitter on this issue, but I don't think people can just protest that every single rule infringing on their "freedom" to do something is bad. If girls start wearing bras to school and officials ban that, would you protest and say that it's restricting girls' freedom to wear what they want? There has to be a line somewhere. I don't know if yoga pants are where the line is, but that argument should be used more carefully. And just because something is "comfortable" doesn't always mean it's appropriate. Also, the purpose of school is to learn, not to walk the runway. It seems like we forget that more and more.

    Also, my fellow ladies, please keep in mind, tight clothes are an absolute nightmare to your future health. Yes, they are fashionable and trendy and everyone wants to see your curves. But did you know that tight clothes restrict the circulation in your body, and can result in cellulite? For a generation that enjoys short short shorts, irregular, blatantly noticeable bumps in your thighs are not very attractive. (And short shorts can result in lots of other problems, too. I highly advise you look it up and choose your clothes wisely.) Fashion is great and supposed to be somewhat impractical, but let's keep our health in mind, too.
  • Love this! on October 31, 2014 at 11:18 PM
    A good humor piece with a righteous message.
  • Over-sensationalized even for humor on November 3, 2014 at 12:05 PM
    I agree with your overall opinion, but I think the part of you being an eager teenage boy is sort of gross. I'm not going to bash that, though. What I really dislike is your headline. The Red Scare has absolutely nothing to do with anything and involves actors and politicians and Russia while yoga pants is a "problem" for teenage boys in high school. Maybe if you replaced "Red Scare" with "jeggings" or something, but this "great power" and "tattered society" that you describe so fervently just sound like sad exaggerations in the face of everything else that's wrong with our country. Yeah, I get that you're trying to be funny, but that's just clickbait and adds nothing to your piece other than immaturity.
    • chill on November 5, 2014 at 12:58 PM
      yo hop off
  • Alum on November 10, 2014 at 10:01 PM
    Disgusted by this article.

    "By imposing limitations on female students just because teenage boys can't control themselves, we are teaching girls to be ashamed of their bodies." There are too many things wrong with this sentence. Please explain to me exactly why banning yoga pants makes girls ashamed of their bodies. Additionally, what in the world do you mean by "teenage boys can't control themselves"? Can't control looking? Can't control their lack of concentration?

    What a one sided article that doesn't even address the benefits of a ban. Can't believe this was allowed to be posted on a high school website.
    • dude on March 3, 2015 at 10:16 AM
      Its. A. Humor. Article
      • blazer9 on January 11, 2016 at 9:07 AM
        You can't just cherrypick quotes from the article...taken in a larger context, I think the dude's right
  • Appalled on November 10, 2014 at 10:03 PM
    Next thing SCO will be posting is an article about why we shouldn't ban short skirts and tube tops because of all the eager teenage boys.
    • blazdr9 on January 11, 2016 at 9:08 AM
      well, somebody's not too bright and maybe missed the point here.
  • white boii on November 11, 2014 at 12:29 AM
    Well done Nick, saving the world one article at a time
  • wow on November 11, 2014 at 7:19 PM
    nice ideas, but can we have a girls take on this, as they are the ones who's rights will be restricted?
  • Lol on November 12, 2014 at 7:50 PM
    All these people saying they are disgusted and stuff. I mean it is just yoga pants!
  • Great Article on November 27, 2014 at 9:54 PM
    Hey, I don't agree with you totally, but you have a good, reasonable argument. It's funny, as well. Although i don't find it "disgusting". I agree with you on everything, except you exaggerated your ideas, making it seem like girls are slutty if they don't change their dress code. Simply, the dress code is to ban "inappropriate" clothes, to an extent. The same way a boy isn't allowed to show underwear.

    All haters out there, this is only a piece of humor. It's supposed to be satirical! that's why its posted under the "humor" section! it's not supposed to be a formal argument
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