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March 11, 2005

Ask Chips 12: We succumb to the outsourcing craze

Due to the highly complex nature of the questions for this installment of Ask Chips, we decided to do what all technical companies are doing and outsource the labor. This week, we have invited a special guest answerer to tackle these mind-numbingly boring questions in the hopes that this will spur you all on to much more meaningful queries. Our special guest for this round will be AP Physics teacher Mr. Schafer, who has graciously offered his expertise in answering these questions.

An ewok asks: "Would Luke Skywalker (from episode VI) beat Anakin (from Episode II) in a lightsaber battle? Why or why not?"

Schafer: By Episode VI, Luke had already finished his training with Yoda, while in Episode II Anakin seemed to be going through a pretty moody phase and seemed to still be trying to figure out just "who" he is. I figure
head to head Luke wins. Plus, we know that Anakin does eventually lose to Luke, but that is as Darth Vader. The better question though is, "Is Yoda the man?" To which I think we can all agree the answer is "Yes."

Chips says: We agree entirely. While we would like to see father and son fight while both are in their prime, we also admit that Yoda could take both of them out without even breaking a sweat.

Arkitect asks: "I was wondering how many floor tiles there are in Blair. Also, the number of floors would help too."

Schafer: Seems to me that this is a great applied math problem. Since each tile is one square foot all we need to do is figure out the square footage of the building. To do this though, you are probably going to need some
help. I suggest the online Chips staff, since I am covering this column.

Chips: Thanks, but no thanks. We just googled the square footage, as we do for every research-based question and found that the building is 32,000 square feet. Oh yeah, and there are three floors at Blair, the pool on the fourth floor is just a rumor we use to fool with the freshmen.

Late again asks: "Is it really possible, without running, to get from any point in the school to any other point in 8 minutes? Chips index says 618 steps from portable 7 to 315...but how long does that take?"

Schafer: Well, like any good scientist, I conducted some experiments to answer this particular question. I found that I could walk at a natural pace and cover just about 2.5 miles in one hour. That corresponds to 3.7 feet per second. Now, eight minutes means you have 480 seconds to go from point A to B, which means that you can cover up to 1,760 feet without running. Now, I would guess that an average step is about 2 feet such that the largest distance any student would need to cover is 1,236 feet, well within our maximum distance. So, yes, you can make it from any point in school to any other point without running.

Chips: We did some of our own math, and we found that in Schafer world, that farthest distance takes us just under 6 minutes to go from point to point, and that doesn't include locker stops, so without a little luck and careful planning, we aren't quite as sure. And good grief Schafer, you didn't factor the energy loss climbing stairs, the effects of drag or the relativistic time dilation, which leads us to our next question...

Einstein asks: "If a spaceship moving in direction V at 75% the speed of light encounters a black hole moving in the opposite direction at 50% the speed of light, couldn't horizon and come back out?"

Schafer: No. By definition, the event horizon is a region in space that defines the boundary of the black hole. Since nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, and since light itself cannot escape the black hole, then we must conclude that once in, we are staying in. Further, as Stephen Hawking points out in his, "The Theory of Everything," in reference to black holes, "Thus, if light cannot escape, neither can anything else."

Chips: We would have to agree since we really have no idea what he's talking about.

Bball playa asks: "What can I do so that I can jump higher? I can reach 9"

Schafer: What we have here is a problem with gravity, namely that you can get stronger or get less gravity. For the first situation, find a gym and start working out your legs. For the second, you may need to travel, like to the moon.

Chips: Nine leaps has us a grand total of 10 inches off the ground. If we ever want to be like Mike, we are going to have to do a lot more than just drink Gatorade.

Confused driver asks: "Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?"

Schafer: Probably for the same reason we buy "jumbo shrimp," talk about
things that are "pretty ugly." Or, just study "civil wars."

Chips: After all this, we are just as confused as you. All we know is that we are never having a guest columnist again.

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  • Anonymous on March 11, 2005 at 2:24 PM
    So many typeos.
  • . on March 11, 2005 at 2:41 PM
    Did you guys even proofread this edition of Ask Chips??
  • cow on March 11, 2005 at 3:11 PM
  • bob on March 11, 2005 at 4:41 PM
    O.o how did "moo" get into the comments?!?

    oh well, i'm certainly not complaining


    (also: lmao to "so many typeos")
  • wow on March 11, 2005 at 5:53 PM
    I'd just like to point out the immense irony of the following post, in case anyone missed it.

    ":: 3/11/2005, 2:24 PM
    So many typeos."
  • Questions to ponder: on March 11, 2005 at 7:57 PM
    What is freedom? What is truth? How do you know if something is true? What are all of the reasons why people lie? What is love? What is "caring"? What is "empathy"?
  • cow #2 on March 12, 2005 at 1:42 PM
    moo moo
  • student on March 12, 2005 at 4:38 PM
    c'mon mr schafer, you're much funnier in class. this was not very amusing. i'm dissapointed.
  • yes. on March 12, 2005 at 8:46 PM
    why can't cantolope elope?
  • 02 on March 12, 2005 at 11:47 PM
    Are you like me?
  • Anonymous on March 13, 2005 at 12:53 PM
    There was a reason I spelled it typeos, to make a point. It wasn't an accident
  • wow on March 13, 2005 at 1:29 PM
    Sure. I suppose that's why the first sentence in your new post is strictly ungramattical and you left off the period on your second sentence.
  • john on March 14, 2005 at 8:42 AM
    Why wouldn't you guys have a guest columnist again? Schafer is so much funnier than you guys
  • New Ask Chips fan on March 15, 2005 at 5:59 PM
    I agree with John...
  • lol on March 15, 2005 at 10:53 PM
    haha schafer isn't a teacher... he's just a plain old magnet student who got his hands on a staff id
  • hmmmm on March 18, 2005 at 2:32 AM
    why does losing a love hurt so much?
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