Montgomery Blair High School's Online Student Newspaper
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April 5, 2005

SCO's guide to getting rid of college mail

by Varun Gulati, Page Editor
Certain hallmark events characterize the average Blazer's life: getting stuck with that awful teacher, finding out the vending machines don't sell Snickers bars, admiring the Teddy bears on the disposable towels in P.E. and getting spammed by obscure colleges.

Thankfully, after long hours of extensive research, Silver Chips Online has devised a list of what to do with college mail.

Staple it to your bedroom wall"in decorative patterns
When your parents refuse to buy you that purple wallpaper with yellow polka dots, you can always resort to other ways of embellishing your walls. And since you happen to have an abundance of college mail, why not make the best of it? Try to channel your creative juices into an artful composition in your very own bedroom " make a star, a heart, a snowflake or a Donald Rumsfield. After all, don't colleges and schools promote creativity?

Sell it on eBay
In a world where it's possible to sell a cheating husband, cleavage advertising space or even Warcraft virtual gold on eBay, auctioning college mail should be a cinch. Somewhere out there there's a penguin sitting in front of a computer in Antarctica who's been deprived of mail his whole life. Imagine the joy he would feel in finally receiving a package full of spam!

Try to break a Guinness World Record
If you're going to receive unwanted propaganda, do it the proper way! Go the whole nine yards and reply to every college, expressing some sort of interest in their newly founded gunsmith program. Within no time, you'll be on your way to breaking the first "most college mail" world record!

Perform alchemy
Since medieval times, alchemists have attempted the transmutation of metals into gold. A sure way to launch into fame would be to discover a method that converts college mail into something more useful, such as diamond, silver or ketchup. And once that's out of the way, philosophers can spend time musing over the next mystery of life: how Teddy bears and A-B-C blocks ended up on high-schoolers' gym towels.

Forward the mail to your neighbor
Instead of waiting on your porch for the mailman, you can go to your local post office and change your address to that of your next-door neighbor's. Now sit back and watch your neighbor's excitement as he begins to believe that Harvard wants his six-year-old daughter!

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  • Mimi on April 5, 2005 at 6:19 PM
    HAHAHA~ Gj Varun~
  • senior on April 5, 2005 at 7:07 PM
    hahaha! i think that all these ideas are worth trying...i mean anything to not do my homework for the rest of the year :)!
  • xD on April 5, 2005 at 8:32 PM
    ha ha, gj varun.
  • kudos on April 5, 2005 at 9:25 PM
    hilarious, varun =) very nice job
  • Anar on April 5, 2005 at 10:54 PM
    Like it.

    This, though, makes no sense: "philosophers can spend time musing over the next mystery of life: how Teddy bears and A-B-C blocks ended up on high-schoolers' gym towels."
  • Feza Kikaya (View Email) on April 6, 2005 at 2:04 PM
    entertaining article Varun! i wouldnt be surprised if some people try a few ;-)
  • jmh on April 6, 2005 at 5:16 PM
    this is good varoon. keep it up
  • alex gold on April 6, 2005 at 8:05 PM
    Dude, I'm totally going to do those!!!
  • Chels on April 9, 2005 at 1:57 PM
    haha gotta love your advice, varun.
  • asdf on April 11, 2005 at 11:00 PM
    funny cool
  • . on April 19, 2005 at 2:04 PM
    Wow... This school needs some new writers on humor.
  • .-. on April 19, 2005 at 9:24 PM
    w0000t very funny vunn =)
  • student on April 20, 2005 at 10:03 AM
    not particularly funny, but not bad, though i agree with anar that that line doesn't make any sense
  • Mel (View Email) on April 22, 2005 at 7:32 AM
    Funny very funny=). But I dont know which to try, forward my mail or Guinness World Record. SO many choices so little time.
  • lol... on October 12, 2005 at 12:58 PM
    yeah man, i'm going for a condeleza rice on my ceiling!! :D
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