Montgomery Blair High School's Online Student Newspaper
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Dec. 23, 2007

Worst Chips Scenario - SCO holiday edition

by Johanna Gretschel, Online Managing Editor
For every innocent snowball fight there is a wayward chunk of snow that finds its way crashing through a window. For every delicious helping of pumpkin pie there is a tooth-shattering slice of aunt Bertha's fruit cake. And for every street corner Santa with a heart of gold and a cowbell there is a creepy, child-molesting shopping mall Santa. Luckily for loyal readers, Silver Chips Online has solutions for all potential Blair-related holiday dilemmas.

1. How to save Santa from getting locked out

Blair's infamous lockout policy from last year has apparently extended into a curfew for Santa Claus's late-night gift-giving. Make sure your chimney is the first Santa hits up by being the only family not to make a fire. Your rear may get cold, but trust us, Santa will prefer that to his own hot cross buns and will reward you by visiting your house before the outlawed hour.

2. How to remember the Blair mission statement for Santa
Remembering Blair's mission statement may be the key to landing a spot on Santa's "Nice" list this holiday season. Xin Shan
Remembering Blair's mission statement may be the key to landing a spot on Santa's "Nice" list this holiday season.

Due to Magnets hacking into his computer system, Santa's "Naughty" and "Nice" lists have been replaced with "Has memorized Blair mission statement" and "Has not memorized Blair mission statement." Not nearly as classy, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and Santa never passed computer science.

Don't worry, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. AFG may have invaded, poisoned the cafeteria food ("But the purple chicken has more flavor!") and moved on, but those handy mission statement posters are still hanging up all over school to give Blazers a heads-up. "Uhm, well, different colored hands — that's diversity, our school strives for diversity, and pictures of students reading — uh, literacy is Blair's biggest goal, and, uhm, let's see — smiley face stickers and glitter glue — Blazers appreciate the fine arts." Diversity, universal literacy and fine arts appreciation — close enough for a new Nimbus Two Thousand. It's not like anyone — even Santa — can understand the real jargon anyway.

3. How to avoid breaking dress code at a holiday party

Imagine the scene - a dark dance hall flashing with strobe lights and pulsating with electronic beats as you dance with the entire school while wearing… smelly gym shorts and a sweaty, stained t-shirt. Not cute.

This entire scenario can be avoided by saving your most risqué rags for your Christmas Eve "Santa Baby" serenade to the big man himself. If you're still unsure of your outfit selection, ponder whether you would feel comfortable playing dreidel with your bubbe or giving birth to Jesus while attired in such garments.

4. How to treat a staph infection contracted from a reindeer bite

Immediately report this incident to the Blair administration, which will be forced by county policy to increase the winter break from one to two weeks. You will certainly be on the receiving end of plenty of Christmas presents this year, and you may even live to use them!

In terms of actual action, slap yourself for venturing into the wrestling room — exotic creatures are notorious for lurking in that antithesis of hygiene. Head to the locker room or nearest bathroom and pray that building services have made their rounds recently to replenish the soap supply. If there is no soap to be squeezed out of the dispenser, never fear, just grab a paper towel and — oh, wait. None of those either. Happy holidays!

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  • LOUISE on December 23, 2007 at 7:43 PM
    this was ok. i think it should've been shorter/more compelling because i started to zone out after the first sentence. but i have to say that the ideas were most clever.
  • Reader on December 23, 2007 at 7:52 PM
    Hahaha! Great job Johanna!
  • Aaron on January 2, 2008 at 11:48 AM
    i know ur just joking but please stop hatin' on the wrestling room. the place is clean - really it is!
  • funny funnay on January 3, 2008 at 1:41 PM
    "ponder whether you would feel birth to Jesus"
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