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May 21, 2008

Deriving the night away

by Johanna Gretschel, Online Managing Editor
For the best year of our lives, senior year sure is tough. Sifting through piles of rejection letters is hard on anyone's fingers - not to mention egos - and the colleges we were accepted to have the nerve to request final transcripts. Wasn't learning supposed to end after AP tests junior year? I am a second semester senior and my rights are being infringed upon!

It would almost be acceptable if 2008 was like any normal graduating year and final "exams" were directly followed by prom, graduation and beach week. However, the order has been shifted this year and exams aren't until after prom, leaving seniors an interesting scenario. With extra time to study for the exams that actually became sort of crucial after second-semester-senior-slippage (a.k.a. S to the power of four), how do we utilize that time while still enjoying end-of-year festivities? As usual, Silver Chips has the solution with a helpful study guide for your toughest classes in conjunction with the biggest night of the year – prom.

Geometry

Perhaps the most difficult, tear-jerking, gut-wrenching aspect of every girl's prom experience is the acquisition of the perfect dress. This is blood-and-guts, 300-type stuff I'm talking about. Trust me, you do not want to be anywhere near a Macy's junior's department anytime this month if you value your ligaments.

That's why sewing one's own dress is a fantastic solution. Save some dough, save your eyeballs from being scratched out and practice those geometry skills. Yes, the Pythagorean Theorem finally has a real use! Well, not that I actually know how you would apply it.

Sewing is all about the shapes - follow a dress design template and cut out different patterns and shapes to create your own prom dress in a delicious color. Then again, if you haven't passed Geometry by senior year, I'm not sure you're on the path to graduation anyway.

Physics

Resistance equals voltage divided by current? All I know is that it's electric, boogie-woogie-woogie! Ah, physics - a confusing, seemingly psychotic class whose main characteristics can also accurately describe the teenage craze of freak dancing. My butt goes where? His hands go - what! Shockingly enough, if you can master the concept of dance floor gyration, you should be able to handle anything the physics final exam shakes, er, throws at you.
What will cause you the most stress on prom night?
  • Finals within a few days
  • Gossip and drama
  • Keeping my outfit intact
Discuss this Poll


Start out simple by practicing the basic circular motion with "(Apache) Jump on It" by the Sugarhill Gang. Start with your legs spread about a shoulder's length apart and place your hands on your hips. With each consecutive beat, use your hands to thrust your hips to the front, left, back and right.

After a few repetitions, you can advance to the Lil' Jon "Get Low" level, where after indicating with your arms where the windows and walls of the room are, you can repeat the circular gyration movement while bending your knees and leaning forward. Now onto sample problems: if you are gyrating at twenty meters per second for a period of five Chris Brown songs, what is the change in x?

English

The county English exam is everyone's favorite for its simple consistency. The format is the same every year: grammar, sentence structure, reading passage comprehension questions. However, analyzing abstract poetry can discombobulate even the sharpest of literary wits. It's easy to get some extra practice at prom by carefully examining the delightfully dirty words of popular rap songs to discover hidden themes and metaphors.

Take Flo Rida's "Get Low," for instance. The lines, "Apple bottom jeans/Boots with the fur/with the fur/The whole club was lookin' at her," signify the growing superficial tendency of modern society to idolize those with an abundance of material wealth.

With "Baggy sweatpants/Reeboks with the straps/with the straps/Turn around and give that big booty a slap," Mr. Rider makes a statement about the rampant sexual molestation problem in America, where women jogging down the street in baggy running clothes are at increased risk of being violated. Speaking of body parts…

Anatomy

Oh, come on - that's what after prom is for!



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  • SpookieLukie on May 22, 2008 at 12:30 AM
    That was really funny.

    The ending was perfect.
  • XD on May 22, 2008 at 1:10 AM
    Haha! That was hilarious!!!
  • Oh Johanna on May 22, 2008 at 1:45 AM
    "Mr. Rider makes a statement about the rampant sexual molestation problem in America, where women jogging down the street in baggy running clothes are at increased risk of being violated."

    lmao. i'm gonna miss reading your awesome stories.
  • ditto (View Email) on May 22, 2008 at 9:29 AM
    johanna is the humor master. please stay.
  • johanna's #1 fan on May 22, 2008 at 7:38 PM
    perfect last story, dear!
  • Shocked in Silver Spring on May 22, 2008 at 9:49 PM
    I have to say, I am appalled at this article! My word! This Johanna girl has really hurt an old man's ears with her talk of anatomy and hip hop music! But I shiver to think of the power of this young woman's pen! What a mighty talent she has with her writing!
  • <3 on May 23, 2008 at 8:06 AM
    johanna, you are too cool. we love you!
  • Gossip Girl (View Email) on May 23, 2008 at 6:55 PM
    Gossip girl here

    Telling you that Johanna has the inside scoop on how to control your test after prom.
    Not like Serena thats just studying anatomy with Dan all the time even though she tells the queen "B" she stopped
    Or like Georgina that needs help with her English that "B" thats why shes going to reform school to help her control that mouth of hers.....
    Physics thats not the problem the problem is Dan letting go of Serena holding ontu her at the wedding
    Chuck needs to stop having to many
    anatomy test's!!!!
    XOXO
    GOSSIP GIRL??
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