A crack at history: perfection is fleeting in the NFL

Dec. 22, 2007, midnight | By Kevin Teng, Andrew Kung, Elsi Wu | 16 years, 5 months ago

SCO experts predict a stunning upset in Foxboro

The New England Patriots have looked all but invincible in 2007, sitting pretty at 14-0 with just two games away from the perfect season. Led by golden-boy Tom Brady, who juggles NFL record books and supermodel baby mamas with uncanny grace, this modern-day juggernaut is destined for greatness. But in their pursuit of history, there is one unlikely obstacle: the 1-13 Miami Dolphins.

Last week, the Dolphins avoided the winless season by beating the Ravens in overtime by six points, 22-16. But the Patriots beat the Ravens by just three points, 27-24, on Dec. 3. The implications here are obvious: the Dolphins are the superior team. By the law of syllogisms, Miami will win this Sunday by three points. It's simple arithmetic and common sense.

But our argument is not just logically sound, it's backed by science as well. As heavenly as Randy Moss's acrobatic catches have been this year, the Patriots are still a terrestrial body, and as such, the laws of physics will apply. Newton's third law dictates that objects in motion will stay in motion. Coming off their first win all year, the Dolphins are so much in motion that they should watch out for false start penalties. Sir Isaac claims that they will stay that way, and who are we to argue with a man who once tested the effects of sticking a knife into the back of his own eyeball?

The result of a collision is dependent on the momentum of the two objects involved, and Sunday's epic clash will be no exception. Momentum is calculated by multiplying an object's mass by its velocity. New England's momentum isn't looking good - Pats coach Bill Belichick, being the spawn of Satan, is not one for Mass, especially on Sundays. And velocity? Tom Brady's arm was no cannon to start out with, and with a strained shoulder, his throws will be lacking some zip. Speed is definitely not the forte of the AARP All-Stars (38-year-old Junior Seau, 35-year-old Rodney Harrison and 34-year-old Tedy Bruschi) on defense.

On the opposite sideline, momentum shouldn't be a problem. The Dolphins defensive line touts nose tackle Keith "Tractor" Traylor, who easily earns his nickname by clocking in at 340 pounds. There's your mass. As for velocity, the Fins boast the speedy Ted Ginn returning kicks. More importantly though, no Trent Green is under center, the very Trent Green whose scrambling skills are mocked by glaciers, whose footspeed is outpaced by continental drift.

Don't believe in science? Then let karma be the judge. The swift hammer of justice will smite the accursed Patriots on Sunday. What better way to end the streak than by the hands of the once-proud franchise that once occupied the hallowed ground of perfection with a 17-0 season in 1972, but 35 years later is currently amidst one of the ugliest seasons in NFL history?

Defiantly decked out in his ratty hoodie and perpetually angry visage, Belichick is the most revered, and most hated coach in professional sports. His vague injury reports and tight-lipped press conferences are weekly headaches. And this year, he drew fire from pundits as well as a $500K fine from commissioner Roger Goodell for illegally spying on the New York Jets in week one. His paranoia-induced tactics would have made Nixon envious - like Tricky Dick, dirty tactics were necessary to guarantee not just victory, but utter humiliation against the hapless George McGovern/Jets. This entire season is already tainted in the eyes of many. Don Shula, coach of the '72 Dolphins, is already sitting at home, champagne in one hand and asterisk in the other, waiting on the game's outcome.

So what will Sunday's apocalyptic upset mean for the everyday Blazers? For one, it gives our own football team a glimmer of hope. So what if we finished 0-10 this year? At one time, so was Miami. After three more losses, we're due for two straight wins. At least 2-3 next year, baby! For you Blazers counting on Tom Brady or Randy Moss to account for positive numbers on your fantasy teams, we're sorry to inform you that you have just lost this week's matchup. You should have dropped them for Cleo Lemon and Jesse Chatman weeks ago in anticipation of the trouncing that is about to transpire. Projected stats: Two interceptions and a broken leg for Brady, two fumbles and a strained quad for Moss. Ah, sweet schadenfreude...

So this Sunday, kick back and enjoy the game, but don't be surprised when the final score appears. No, your TV is not broken: the Dolphins will win. Bet on it.

Editor's Note: This is for humor purposes only- our "experts" are not actually this stupid in real life (at least we hope not). In addition, Silver Chips Online cannot be held liable for gambling debts incurred by following the advice in this article.

Kevin Teng. There are some things in which people believe. Some people believe in other people. I believe in meatloaf. I believe that we all should have fun eating whatever meatloaf we want to eat. Sorry, that was "Harold and Kumar"-esque. Life is pretty good because I'm … More »

Andrew Kung. Andrew Kung is a rising Magnet junior who is psyched for a year of Chips Online. He has lived in New York, Michigan, and New Mexico prior to his current residence in Maryland. As a cynical sports fan, he is not often disappointed, but not … More »

Elsi Wu. Elsi Wu is really a middle-aged, obese Italian man. A perky CAP junior who lives for ESPN, Superbowl Sunday, Poms, and food, she watches Friends and Oprah RELIGIOUSLY along with any Redskins/Maryland games (you know, normal activities for the average obese Italian man). Instead of … More »

Show comments


No comments.

Please ensure that all comments are mature and responsible; they will go through moderation.