Cornucopia of curious celebrations

In lieu of the New Year—and the realization that there actually is a National Squirrel Day (Jan. 21)—we have decided to embark on an excursion through the year in hopes to discover all the random "holidays" that the world does not know of. Everybody has heard of Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Thanksgiving, but there are so many other holidays out there that stir our curiosity.

January

When you're not considering studying for finals, you can start a countdown to Jan. 28, when you can dig in your toy chest and bring out your dusty kazoo for National Kazoo Day. Feel free to walk down the street playing as loudly as you can, shrugging off the criticisms of all those Simon Cowell posers out there.

March

March 28 is National Something-on-a-Stick Day, where it is finally considered socially acceptable to put anything on a stick and eat it — regardless of whether it is edible or not. Weasel kabob, here I come!

April

Grab your fellow soccer player and give him a high-five because April has a day for both. On April 6 you have a chance to honor all those hard-working, physically fit athletes that provide our school with so much…brawn. But make sure on April 21, National High-Five Day, to avoid those strapping football players and an unavoidable broken wrist.

May

In May, we learn that dressing up as a jedi is not just for losers without dates anymore. At least not on May 4, for now you, too, can join the hectic frenzy of people at Toys R Us buying plastic light sabers. Or, if you count yourself a diehard Star Wars fan, build light sabers out of strange foreign electronics that eBay promised "work very good." No guarantees, of course. Try not to be too disappointed when they don't actually cut through your enemies.

After playing with your Star Wars merchandise, sit down to a good breakfast of bacon and eggs. May guilt rest heavily on your shoulders as you eat your meal, knowing that the goose will never lay another egg. Especially watch out for PETA, because May is National Egg Month. If your mouth is filled with a freshly made omelet, PETA might feel compelled to take the law into their own hands. And you thought "Kill Bill" was violent.

June

June is always associated with a newborn freedom from the drudgery of schoolwork and with the beginning of lazy days and busy nights. On June 16, take a break from doing nothing to visit your local mortician for National Morticians Day. Just make sure that your face is lively with color and that you move around constantly.

July

Don't panic. In the seventh month of the year, you can celebrate Hitchhiking Month along with Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent, heroes from Douglas Adam's "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy." All you need to remember is to bring a towel with you on your inter-galaxy road trip and steer clear of all mice. If you are celebrating this holiday back on Earth, you need to remember the infamous rule that every adult figure in your life tries to teach you: do not talk to strangers. Study this rule carefully and you will notice that it does not mention not riding in cars with strangers — just talking to them.

September

Walk over to the local Hollywood Video and rent a copy of "The Pirates of the Caribbean" because Sept. 19 is Talk Like a Pirate Day, where everybody talks like Jack Sparrow, but, unfortunately, nobody looks like him. It is strongly suggested that you join in the festivities because, if you don't, a horde of angry Jack Sparrows may mistake you for a traitor and make you walk the plank into a bathtub.

Also in September, break out the gift certificates, subscriptions to magazines and flowers, for it is Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month. If you don't have any of the aforementioned, we at Silver Chips Online accept checks as well as yachts, extended vacations to the Caribbean and merchandise for the television show "Lost."

October

Say this three times fast: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers; a peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Can't do it? Well it's your time to practice during October during pickled-pepper month.

December

Forget Christmas! Dec. 13 is Violins and Ice Cream Day — not Violins Day, not Ice Cream Day, but Violins and Ice Cream Day — which gives you prime opportunity to honor both the Midoris and Itzhak Perlmans as well as our personal heroes, Ben and Jerry. Now, the question is, do we have to honor them at the same time? Like eat ice cream while playing the violin, or can we just do both at different times? We only ask because doing both at once would be sort of hard.

And so our journey ends. While probably none of you will ever use this information in any constructive way and very few of you will actually run out and buy a calendar which has all these bizarre holidays written out (if that calendar exists,) it's still useful to know that March 31 is Bunsen Burner Day. Well, maybe not useful, but certainly a conversation starter by all means.

So in the words famously coined by that oh-so-memorable "waskely wabbit" Bugs Bunny, who can be celebrated on July 27 (Bugs Bunny Day): "That's all folks!"