How to avoid spoilers


June 6, 2019, 2:08 p.m. | By Oreet Zimand | 2 weeks, 6 days ago

A professional guide to not hearing things you don't want to hear


Why am I up at 10:30 pm on a Sunday night? Is it to study for my AP Calculus test in two days? To prepare a French oral presentation that I have not started working on? To do the twenty other assignments I have to finish before the end of my senior year in ten days? To write this article that should have been written three days ago?

The answer to all of this, as you might expect, is a harsh and resounding no.

I am dead tired but awake late on Sunday night, so that I can watch the newest episode of Game of Thrones as soon as it comes out, not because I want to but so that nobody spoils it for me tomorrow.

Photo: "#Popcorn." by Dena Michele Rosko is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0


For those of you who are prevented from watching the newest movie or TV episode by a freak car accident, case of measles, or category 5 hurricane (this is the extent of excusable options, anything beyond this and you are just lazy, what kind of person can't find any time to sit on a couch or in a theater for 1-3 hours most likely of a school night?), here are some helpful tips for avoiding spoilers:

  1. Delete social media. You know what is going on there, you know you won't be able to avoid tidbits of information in the comments. You can't have everything in life and so if you are going to make the choice to watch whatever it is at your own pace, you're going to have to give up selfies and Tasty videos until then. This might not be enough though, and if not you can…
  2. Get rid of anything connected to the internet. Can you trust that your friend won't call your phone and accidentally spoil that new movie for you when you least expect it? Can you trust that an innocuous google search will not come up with an article about the ending of that new show? No. you can't. Get rid of it. To really be sure that you safe though…
  3. Buy a pair of noise canceling headphones. You've done what you can about your interactions online but it is statistically proven that over 60% of spoilers actually come out of interpersonal conversations. You can't control others, so you must make yourself less susceptible to this type of spoiler attack. These headphones will be your forcefield to block all incoming spoilers, but for them to be truly effective you must keep them on at all times day and night. However, once you start making it obvious externally that you are trying to avoid hearing the endings to things, people will get more aggressive in their attacks and you will need to take some extra steps…
  4. Stay at home in your room. It's not that hard to do. There's a bed in there, maybe even a chair. You'll have to sneak out to the bathroom because you never know who might be home and you'll probably only be safe enough to go down to the kitchen after everyone goes to sleep. Maybe with all this newfound time you might be able to just watch the show. But if every squeak of the floorboards causes your heart to drop and every time you doorknob turns you break out into a sweat it may be time to take the next step…
  5. Find a nice cabin in the middle of the woods. Go off the grid. You're basically surrounded by enemy spies now, all people who know information you don't who would do anything in their power to RUIN that movie for you. Trust no one. Tell no one where you are. Leave no trace. Only you can prevent forest fires. Anyway, this might not be enough because the woods in America are known to be filled with murderers and people who enjoy ruining things for others, so you might need to go even farther…
  6. Travel to a country in which that show or movie does not exist. North Korea is a really nice option. China is good but not as great. It's a sacrifice you have to make for your own greater good. You might be able to find a job in a small steel mill or maybe a rice farm and even if you get sent to a work camp at least you can be sure that no one there will be able to make your life any worse by telling you spoilers. At end the end of the day though, and this might be a little extreme but don't balk, there's really only one way to prevent from having something spoiled for you…
  7. WATCH THE EPISODE/MOVIE! Don't be that person that makes everyone around them censor themselves. If everyone else did it, you really don't have an excuse. If this is really not possible, if you were in a coma for the past ten years and are just trying to catch up on pop culture now, here are some things you can do...
  8. Suck it up. It's not that big a deal. You know it. I know it. If you really care that much, you should have just watched the episode when it came out and you know it.
Last updated: June 11, 2019, 1:18 p.m.


Tags: movies entertainment

Oreet Zimand. Hi! My name is Oreet and I am the 2018-19 Op-Ed Editor for Silver Chips Online! I enjoy figure skating, debating (anything with anyone at any time), and laying in the grass listening to Phil Collins's "In the Air Tonight" right before it starts to ... More »

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