After wandering about the Intimates department collecting arm loads of different sized undergarments, some made entirely of pastel color lace, others of bright animal print patterns, we set off in search of unsuspecting customers, ones who leave their carts unattended while browsing the racks for a new outfit, or while searching for their preferred brand of cereal. We came across a family of four looking at baby strollers. As we strolled by, we tossed in a particularly hideous pair of lacy hot pink underwear. Unfortunately, we didn't see their faces when hey reached the check-out registers, as we were too busy trying to run for dear life (the husband was pretty muscular and could probably kill us in a second if he was so inclined) as we giggled.
After that, we placed the rest of our undergarment collection in odd places around the store. Shopping for some new pans? You'll have to look behind the leopard print bustier. Passing through the cereal aisle? Your box of Lucky Charms cereal seems to be hiding behind that sequined night gown.
Candy déja vú
We selected the register in the back of the store with the shortest line. First, we chose a Kit-Kat bar, bought it, and immediately went around, grabbed a Heath bar and circled around to the same register. It only took two times before the cashier noticed, called her friend over, whispered something to her and giggled pointedly at us while we browsed the calorie laden snacks by the register for a third time.
For future Walmart miscreants, more subtlety would result in a more confused cashier and in a better joke.
Tracking Track-suit Lady
"Pink Track-Suit Lady" is what we christened the victim of our next escapade. She was a true Walmart archetype clad, head to foot, in a pink, velvet tracksuit complete with clashing fuchsia socks. We found her in the cleaning department browsing through the vacuum cleaner bags and followed her, always keeping within five feet, as she bought paper towels, perused scented candles, dabbled in electronics and scanned the shelves for pasta sauce.
Eventually she headed for the exit of the store, possibly looking very nervous, we don't know, we couldn't see her face. We suspect that the phone call she made shortly before exiting the store was to call for a big, strong somebody to come protect her from the two crazy teenagers following her around Walmart.
We picked out the most hideous and most comfortable granny-style nightgowns from the clothing department. We grabbed some pillows from house wear, and plopped down to take a nap in the middle of the aisle. Surprisingly, no one noticed our impromptu nap time, and no one saw fit to tell us to get the heck out of their way. People mostly just went around to the other side of the aisle, very perplexed.
To our great displeasure, we found that people really didn't notice many of the things we did. Including the time we went bowling with two liter bottles of soda in the food section. Really, it was the thrill of possibly being caught that added an element of excitement to our games. Nap time and bottle bowling must clearly be common goings on at Walmart.
Our purchase of true Walmart necessities, a lot of junk food and a foot washer (because everyone needs one, really), cost around $11, and after we had counted out $5 in spare change found under couch cushions and in pants pockets, the clerk, in a very annoyed tone, suggested that we go over to the Coinstar in the corner and convert all of the change into bills. We were, needless to say, dismayed.
It was quite a spectacle our cashier being over six feet tall, and very muscular, with several tattoos on his arms not to mention a death-rocker T-shirt. We were then forced by common courtesy and a fear for our health to change almost $30 worth of change into a receipt, give it to the steaming cashier and then check out. The silver lining was getting to see the typical small town "I work at a Walmart and would rather go have a life than check out this person's junk" expression on a 30-something year old man, which added a deeper motivation to the outcome of our visit.
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