Intent on leaving behind a legacy, Silver Chips entertainment editors set sights on world records
Since second semester seniors no longer have to worry about grades, they're spending their remaining time at Blair concerned with one thing: legacy. This can take the form of executing a notorious senior prank, performing a famous prom proposal or snagging a yearbook superlative. We considered these options for our legacy, but without the guts to follow through on a serious school prank, the attractive candidates to ask to prom and the friends to vote us for senior superlatives, we were back to square one.
We sat silently on the phone for a while, wasting minutes and contemplating what groundbreaking feat we could accomplish in a limited amount of time that would keep our spirits alive along Blair Boulevard. Eventually it dawned on us that we would not have to create our own legacy, we just needed to outdo someone else's. We took it upon ourselves to become household names across the globe by doing what any attention-hungry teens with too much time on their hands would do: break a Guinness World Record.
For the pop culturally challenged, the Guinness Book of World Records is a collection of the world's greatest and strangest records, from the longest fingernails to the world's most tattooed person. Breaking a record like that would surely put us on the map. Speaking of which, our aspirations took on an element of national duty when we noticed the overwhelming dominance of European record holders.
There was no reason for us to limit our legacy to the Blair community when breaking a Guiness record put the entire county, state, country, world or even universe in our reach - so we decided to shoot for the moon. Because like all those motivational posters in the guidance office say, "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among stars."
We immediately started to research, looking up every world record we had even the slightest chance to break. Some categories were automatically unattainable. Neither of us have any outstanding birth defects that could get us records, and tattoos and piercings were out of the question due to parental restrictions. Nor were we willing to try and beat the standing record for the weirdest diet - Neva didn't want to anger the guy who eats at least two pounds of metal every day. There were further let-downs, like when Adelaide discovered the title for the longest legs on a woman is held by a Russian woman who is six foot five (another record-holder we wouldn't want to cross in a dark alley). So with our bolder dreams dashed, we opted for some of the less intimidating records involving chocolate, gum and water.
We decided to break our way into the world of record holders together, attempting to surpass the current record of seven Ferrero Rocher chocolates consumed in a minute held by Jim Lyngvild of Denmark. We both scoffed at the record, proclaiming we could eat more chocolate in our sleep. After all, lots of personal experience taught us that these crispy yet creamy delicacies melt right in your mouth. Shockingly, it turned out that not only could we not break the record in our sleep, we almost passed out trying while awake. Neva ended up with her best score of three chocolates in a minute, while Adelaide managed to consume seven, though "consume" is a relative term. She was not done chewing and swallowing when time expired. But seven unfinished still beats three fully digested and Adelaide credited her win to the clever technique of unwrapping foils while she ate. Neva, who struggled mightily with the bite-sized candies, was unable to match the winning level of multi-tasking. The world of competitive eating is a brutal one, and the real professionals will chew you up and spit you out. Literally. After getting a taste (ha) of what life in this profession would be like, and realizing how seriously disgusting it was, we decided to leave the heavy-eating up to the pros (like Sonya Thomas, the tiniest woman you will ever see down a 10-pound turkey in 12 minutes).
With our world record options significantly narrowed since we first set out on this mission, a change in strategy was in order. We turned to skills that we could practice rather than skills that require any sort of natural ability (our parents did not grant us with speed eating genes). Neva said she was pretty good at holding her breath underwater, so she started practicing and building her endurance. Our hopes were high as she passed the one minute mark. Our excitement faded slightly, however, when we realized she was still 14 minutes and 58 seconds shy of any kind of world fame. Needless to say, she's still working on it. While Neva was trying to hold in her air, Adelaide was expelling hers into large bubblegum bubbles. Attempting to break the record of a bubble 27 inches in diameter, Adelaide stocked up on supplies in various flavors and set to work. By experimenting with brands, she developed the perfect consistency and soon set her personal record for an 11-inch bubble. Trumped again.
It seemed that no matter what we tried, we failed. Even the most basic tasks (eating, sleeping, breathing, etc.) were over our heads. Perhaps what we lacked was natural talent - the record-breaking genes only are bestowed upon a lucky few. Or maybe our senioritis manifested itself in our attempts, making them half-hearted, unmotivated and burnt out. But, we decided that rationalizing our failures would not move us toward our goal. Instead, we vowed to move on. So speed eating isn't our forte and blowing bubble gum isn't our life's ambition - you think that could keep us out Guiness Book of World Records? Think again. Our efforts may have been fruitless now, but soon enough they will pay off. Even if we have to win for something creepy like longest fingernails, you can bet we're going to give it a go. There are still more records to be broken, and we will keep on trying as long as there are homework assignments to be ignored and unexcused absences to be had.
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Neva Bowers. Peepva Bowers is a Peepsces and enjoys long, peepfoot walks on the peep. Too peepy to peep her own bio, Peepva spends her time peeping Peeps, making Peep peeporamas, and hula-peeping. Most of the time, you can peep her talking to strangpeeps that she prepeeps … More »
Adelaide Waldrop. Adelaide Waldrop is not only a straight A student and apple of her parents' eyes, but President of the National Honor Society and a prominent member of Blair's Model United Nations Club. Too consumed with her schoolwork to shop, she makes pants out of jackets. … More »