Stylin' IDs

March 19, 2008, midnight | By Gus Woods | 12 years, 8 months ago

Administration turns to hip-hop to make IDs hip to Blazers

All facts are fabricated for purely humorous reasons.

Who knew that a small rectangular piece of plastic could cause so much trouble? The administration has tried everything to get students to wear their IDs around their necks, but nothing seems to work. IDs required to buy a school lunch? Flash it and go. Five bucks for a replacement? Claim you temporarily lost it. Get yelled at in classrooms and hallways? Surprisingly unmotivational.

But now the administration has gone where many thought it would never go - over the edge, past the point of no return. As the eight percent of Blazers who arrive at school earlier than the five minutes before the late bell may have heard over the intercom, the administration has turned to hip-hop. After Assistant Principal Andrew Coleman compiled ID lyrics from student suggestions last year - this is true - Coleman's secretary's son, currently a student at Montgomery College, set the lyrics to music and beats with his home studio.

What gives? Several developments can account for the administration's remarkable departure from its usual blandness toward its now open-armed embrace of hip-hop youth culture. First, Williams' leadership at Blair has initiated a resurgence in hip music being played over the intercom before school, in what has been referred to as Principal Williams' "Jackson-Five/Space Jam Theme in the Morning Policy."

Second, Blazers despise nothing more than fashion faux pas. Who has not had a day ruined when their blue jeans and North Face jacket ensemble was thrown off by that hideously shiny bit of rectangular plastic dangling at the end of one of those offensively loud, red lanyards? There is little the administration can do, unless they can make IDs more fashionable. How? Get students to associate IDs, something they infinitely loath, with something extremely cool, like hip-hop, which makes most teenagers glassy eyed, docile and only occasionally incites them to free expression, mass protest and arson.

This is clearly only a first step. There are a multitude of other measures the the administration can take to get students to adore their IDs more than their iPods. Why not film a music video directed by Pharrell Williams - no relation to Blair's principal - with Chris Brown or J. Holiday providing vocals, while Coleman raps? The video could open with a line of students waiting to get lunch, and then enter Coleman in a puffy jacket and some bling...the possibilities are endless.

Or better yet, the administration could get Sacha Baron Cohen to visit Blair as Borat. He could tour the school, wreaking havoc and humiliating teachers and students alike. "That ID is - ah very nice!" Or the school could invite the cast of Scrubs to film an episode or two in Blair. J.D. could perform the Heimlich on a distressed Blazer who coughs up - an ID!

The administration would have to update its entertainment plugs every few years to keep up with the perpetually evolving teenage trends, but the rewards are infinite. Wearing an ID will become ultra-cool among Blair's teenagers. They might even start accessorizing their IDs, plating them in gold or platinum. ID bashing could become the latest insult phenomenon. "Your ID's so faded..."

Some contend that the administration is hoping for too much, locked in a utopian fantasy where students acquiesce to everything the administration directs. Others say that Coleman and the administrative staff are just trying to have a little fun. Regardless, they will be missing innumerable opportunities if they stop their efforts to make IDs Blazer chic. The future of efficient Blazer identification depends on their efforts.

Gus Woods. William "Gus" Woods is a junior who enjoys, far more than anything else, tiddlywinks tournaments and "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" re-runs. He is a great fan of any and all music and enjoys playing the piano in his spare time. He belongs, literally belongs, … More »

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