Ask Chips: The best article you will read on SCO. Ever.

Welcome to the first edition of Ask Chips (AC) for the 2011-2012 school year! As you may have noticed by the byline above, we have an updated crew. Mandy and Anya left to go to college, so we erased them from the site forever and burned every artifact they left in the Chips Lab at a giant end-of-the-year bonfire/human sacrifice. The new girls in town are our beloved news editor Valerie (who, as you are reading this, is either slamming her face against a wall from stress or eating chocolate) and our fresh meat Saaraa, who has an awesome name. Liv (a.k.a. the funniest, most attractive and obviously the most entertaining member on staff) is still here to save you from all of your silly, mortal problems because she is absolutely perfect and would never write in to AC for help. She never needs any.

Without further ado, we present (read in a deep action movie trailer voice) ASK CHIPS.

Static electricity

Photo: Static electricity, the cause of shockingly bad hair days and annoying pricks.

Static electricity, the cause of shockingly bad hair days and annoying pricks.  Photo courtesy of Coyleyspages.

Because the world is silly, young one. While none of us here actually understand your question, we know that voltage is required to make our electricity-dependent world go 'round. Perhaps the telephone company is bitter about customers not paying their bills and threaten customers with negative voltage. Conclusion: we don't know. But we hope you enjoyed our attempt at sounding intellectual.

Blair Student asks: I've seen some of my friends talking and reading about Blair's teleporters and the fourth floor. Where can I find a packet of Blair Secret Information?

Obviously if we told you, we would have to kill you. It's a secret that only certain seniors and a couple of magnet teachers know, but why would we tell you who those people are? Obviously none of us are one of these lucky "in the know" seniors. That would be impossible. But we can tell you is that there is a huge wormhole in the basement's dungeons where administrators send all those who attempt to appeal a loss of credit (how exactly is this different than the LC policy? We here at SCO still don't understand).

Go Blair asks: Can you please endorse this on your website before 11/7? Thanks!
Vote Blair Music to Win $50,000!

Sure thang, gurlfrand. EVERYONE VOTE FOR BLAIR! Or we'll get Adam Sandler to come to Blair and attempt to make you laugh. You will probably end up crying in horror.

Beyonce baby bump

Photo: We don't care if whatever pops out of Beyonce's belly isn't an actual human. We just know that it will be fierce.

We don't care if whatever pops out of Beyonce's belly isn't an actual human. We just know that it will be fierce. Photo courtesy of Geocaching.com.

Entertainment expert Liv is here to rescue you. I've seen the video too, and it looks a little suspicious. How can a pregnant belly fold like that? There are some rumors that she may be faking the pregnancy and is actually having a surrogate, but, honestly, everyone is just jealous. Beyonce is basically the best thing to ever happen to this planet, so perhaps an evil genius is attempting to undermine her greatness. Obviously her Sasha Fierce super powers will win out and her child will come straight out of the womb with a full weave of gorgeous hair and supreme dancing abilities.

stresssssssssed out asks: why is there so much work for seniors? why can't our teachers just lay off? we have college apps to do!!!

We SCO seniors agree with you and are boycotting all homework until after January when our last applications are due. We don't mind failing all of our classes because we'll eventually get into college, right? The worst that can come of this is possibly being rejected by all of our colleges after they realize that we didn't do anything this year, but at least our applications will be fantastic! Who wouldn't love to read our three million word Common App essays about "who we are" and "how we've have faced and overcome challenges in our lives"?

Meaning of life

Photo: Does anyone really know the meaning of life? If you do, then you are either an awesome person or someone with a lot of time on their hands.

Does anyone really know the meaning of life? If you do, then you are either an awesome person or someone with a lot of time on their hands. Photo courtesy of Aled Lewis.

Why are you here? Good question, but to answer that we have to start at the meaning of life. Frankly, Sylvia, we here at AC don't even know what we're thinking half the time - let alone have time to figure out what the meaning of life is. But we have a theory that it may have something do to with the creation/existence of Floam.

Why is the earth round? Well it has to do with the force that keeps us all on our feet, gravity. But that's just the story that we're all told. We'll let you in on a little secret: the round shape is just used to cover up the secret civilization of Oompa Loompas in the center of the planet that is powering up the Earth. But, of course, you didn't hear that from us.

Who are you, Sylvia? We can only guess that you are an alien who wants to learn Earth's secrets by asking us deep questions to avert our attention from your secret plan of world domination. But, we shall entertain you anyways, our extraterrestrial friend.

Night falls upon a sunny day because the earth gets tired of the sun glaring at its side and turns around. Or it could just be the Earth spinning on its axis to signify that a full day has been completed while orbiting the sun. You can take your pick.

Wandering wanderer asks: How can I make my own electricity?

Well, our wandering friend, you could begin by finding natural electricity and observing its wonders. There's always good ol' Ben Franklin's method with the kite and key, but that would involve being electrocuted with bolts of lightning, resulting in excruciating pain. Instead, try a much safer form, like static electricity! Warning: may cause mild annoyance if used on other people. All you need is a rug, some socks and your finger. Put on those socks and start shuffling on the rug. Now stay on the rug and touch someone close to you - there's your electricity!

Chris Swift asks: How do I get to Disney Land?

Follow the yellow brick road, and if you happen to get lost along the way go ask the Muffin Man on Drury Lane for directions. You could also get on a plane and go to California, but we prefer the first option.

Fleatown cemetary

Photo: Need some sunshine in your life? Look no further than the Fleatown Cemetery, where all your dreams will come true.

Need some sunshine in your life? Look no further than the Fleatown Cemetery, where all your dreams will come true. Photo courtesy of FashionTonights.com.

There are plenty of ways to pull yourself out from under the dark cloud that seems to be forever looming over you. Invest in roughly 549 boxes of vanilla cake mix and bake your way back to happiness, Mean Girls style. The more rainbows and smiles on your cake, the better. Perhaps you are just lacking some thrill in your life. The remedy? Pick up some new, exhilarating activities. What's more exciting than a rousing round of Tiddly Winks or a day trip to Fleatown, Ohio (which is a real city)? While there is no proven method to restoring bliss, we do suggest watching a couple hundred cute cat videos like this one. This is a sure-fire way to bring some sunshine back into your life.

You could also try your hand at learning the forced, yet believable, smile. Mastering this art requires the perfect balance of awkwardness and charm. But really, who needs either of these when you've got Crest Whitestrips Advanced Seal? Leave those on your teeth for a mere half hour and you won't want to shut your mouth all day! We believe that smiles lead to happiness, and happiness leads to sunshine. Hence, by the transitive property of equality, smiles lead to sunshine.

If none of these options work for you, you could just carry a flashlight around with you, flashing it when necessary. Go ahead. We'll only judge you slightly.